Everyone reading this, I need your help. It has been brought to my attention that one of my favorite holidays is in peril. The celebration of Guinness, corned beef, whiskey, clovers, cabbage, the color green, and all things Irish is in danger. I am of course talking about that day in March, the holiest of drinking holidays, St. Patrick’s Day.
Who, you might be asking would be against this day? Is it some crazy senator trying to enforce his moral code on the rest of us? Has some celebrity with nothing better to do been offended by the color green? Maybe it is some well meaning but delusional religious leader that is trying to take the holiday back. No, my friends, it is someone else. It is the people responsible for most of the things that annoy me, other parents.
A few days ago, my daughter came to me and asked what did I think the leprechaun was going to bring her? I chuckled, thinking of the hangovers that the leprechaun brought me in years past. “Honey,” I said sweetly ” You don’t get gifts for St. Patrick’s day. Leprechauns don’t bring presents.” I hated to tell her there was no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, just a porcelain bowl that I was well acquainted with. But I didn’t want to go out to the store to buy things either.
She wasn’t done. “Yes they do!” she said confidently. “Tyler has a leprechaun trap and every year he gets a toy when he catches a leprechaun! I’m going to build a trap too!” My heart sank because it was at that moment I realize what happened. Some well-meaning parent, probably the same one who brought us that god awful Elf on the Shelf, has done it. They have started the ball rolling that will one day take this beloved celebration of inebriation away from us.
It isn’t that I don’t like buying my girls things. Our living room carpet composed of doll clothes and Legos speak to that. But this is my day to be irresponsible, drink too much, and of course, wear green. We already have two holidays for me to buy my kids more stuff and give the credit to an imaginary magical entity.
Unfortunately for my daughter, this means that she is not going to catch a leprechaun this year. I feel bad telling her no, but don’t worry. I figure a few more car bombs and shots of whiskey and I won’t feel anything. Other parents, I urge you to follow me and not turn this celebration of intoxication into another gift giving holiday. Don’t feel bad for the kids, they can make do with the plethora of presents they receive for Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Valentines Day, and because Mommy loves Amazon. They will be fine.
We need this. We need a break from being responsible adults. Let’s stand up against the well-meaning parents out there and save St. Patricks day. Say it with me, “I have kids, but this is my day. I’m wearing green and because of my kids I need this drink!”