My wife and I fight. We get mad and we argue. I know a lot of people don’t like to admit that, but we do. We fight. My wife has brought me to levels of anger that left me speechless, which anyone who knows me will tell you that is an amazing feat. Oh… and this is a good thing.
First let me say because I know she will be reading this, that we don’t fight often. In fact, I would bet we fight less than most. When we do fight it rarely reaches the volume or intensity you are probably picturing in your head. I hate it though. I hate fighting. I can’t wait for it to be over and I will do almost anything to avoid it. But, fights aren’t always a bad thing.
The Problem is Still There.
I know of more than one couple that doesn’t fight. As soon as things get tense they walk away. They bottle up whatever was bothering them and forget about it. The sleep it off and the anger fades. The next morning all is ok, everyone feels better, and whatever caused the anger has been solved… except it’s not.
They managed to defuse the fight, no one is mad anymore, but they never solved the problem. Whatever caused that fight is still there and waiting to cause another stir. When you fight you get to work these things out. You get what was bothering you off your chest and the two of you can work to a resolution that solves, not avoid the problem.
Problems rarely go away. Like a cancer, they just grow and spread, eating away at a relationship. A lot of people think happy couples don’t fight. Trust me, they do. I’m proof—we are very happy, and we fight. Sometimes it is over some pretty important stuff. Other times it is over somethings so boneheaded and dumb we both have to apologize minutes after the fight is done just to not feel as stupid as we must have sounded.
Don’t be afraid to fight. It’s healthy. It shows that you care. It shows the passion while misdirected at the moment, is still there. Just please fight fair. Understand why you’re fighting. Your partner, the person you love, feels so strongly about this they are willing to get mad over it. Why? Maybe they don’t understand, or maybe you don’t. No name calling, no breaking things, and never let is escalate to physical blows.
Fighting can be unhealthy. When a common ground can never be reached there is a problem. When you are fighting to “win,” that compromise can never be reached. Learning that a fight is about finding common ground and not convincing the other person to see things your way is something everyone, including me, struggle with all the time. But it is probably the most important skill you can ever learn in your marriage.
I hate it when my wife and I fight. I am glad we do. When my wife is passionate enough to fight with me I know she cares. I know that despite all my (many) faults, she hasn’t given up on me yet. I know she loves me enough to fight with me, and that is worth fighting for.
Do your and your significant other fight? Do you avoid problems? Tell me what you think in the comments below!