7 Things I Said Before I Had Kids That Are Total BullS%*t

I remember back before I had kids when I first found out my wife was pregnant, I had plans for what type of parent I was going to be. I remembered the mistakes my parents and my friends with kids had made and I was going to do it better.  Gone were the bad habits, and the tricks parents used to not really engage their kids. I was going to do it right, and I wasn’t alone. My childless friends felt as I did. We knew how to do it better and we were going to.

Now that it is four, almost five years later let me tell you, I was wrong. I was very, very, very wrong. It didn’t take me four years to realize this, it just took me four years to have enough free time to write it down.

7. Then – My children will eat what I cook – I will teach my children to appreciate fine cuisine. They will have expansive pallets and enjoy trying new things as much as I do.

Now –  Please eat. I don’t care what. We have been sitting at this table for over an hour. Please eat something. I long ago gave up on making exciting new dishes. Now I make whatever the kids want if it will just make them eat. Hot Dogs and Pop-tarts for every meal? Fine. Just please eat.

6. Then – My children won’t be lied to – I’m not going to lie to my children. I will be honest with them. I will tell them how things work and won’t dumb things down for them. Knowledge is power, I want them to have it.
Now –  I lie every day. Why can’t we go to McDonalds?  It’s closed. Can I have a snack? No it’s almost dinner time (in 4 hours). Can I play with your iPhone? The battery is dead (or I want to play on it). Why? Because I said so. Sometimes a quick lie will save hours of arguments and explanations. Sometimes one lie will get me an hour of quiet, and it’s worth it

 5. Then – My children won’t eat fast food – The food served to my kids will be organic and healthy. We will take the time to cook good foods and my children will not become part of the raging obesity epidemic sweeping the nation. 
 
Unless you are planning on coming over here to cook, I don’t want to hear it. Also, read number 7

4. Then – My children won’t destroy my things – I won’t allow my children to act like the ruffians I see at playgrounds. My children will know better and will not break things. They will respect their own as well as other people’s property.
Now – The kids break everything they touch. If they can get near it, they can break it. The only things I have left are what is on high shelves. For example, my mom bought my kids a snow globe. The girls loved it. They also broke it in less than an hour from receiving it.

 3. Then – My children will play outside. TV will be limited – My children will learn to play outside and the amount of time they spend with TV’s video games and other such electronic devices will be very limited. Their imaginations will be their entertainment fostering a growing imagination and creativity.

Now – As we watch Frozen for the 1,000th time I have to admit I let this one get away from me.  Sometimes if the kids are fighting and I turn on the TV I can get 5 minutes of quiet. FIVE uninterrupted minutes of quiet! When we travel the IPad is a must have item. But some good has come from this, my daughter uses a few learning apps that have been great for her, (she’s reading at four!)

 2. Then – My children will respect and listen to me – I will teach my children about listening to and respecting adults. My children will not talk back or scream like those hooligans I saw at the store crying and acting out despite what their mother said. All because she didn’t give them some trinket they wanted.
Now – 
The other day I gave a long speech about responsibility and listening. I talked about good behavior and not being naughty. I was talking to the cat and I think got farther than when I gave the same speech to the kids. When I am less than a foot away they claim they can’t hear me. Excuses like that make me wonder if they are dumb, or just think I am.

1. Then – My children will keep my house clean. – From birth I will teach my children to put things away they will be responsible for their belongings.  I am not a maid and won’t clean up after them.
Now – Yeah I was dumb.

Photo from Hobvias Sudoneighm – Wylio – CC-BY

Comments

comments

Bryan Alkire

Bryan is a Stay at Home Dad from Kalamazoo MI. Every day he is lucky enough to experience the joys and struggles of raising his two young girls. His older daughter, a brain tumor survivor, has just started school. His younger daughter is a ball of energy that always keeps him on his toes. He chronicles his adventures with his girls and beautiful wife on his blog www.kzoodad.com. When not watching the girls he plays golf (badly), enjoys craft beer, and working on that book he keeps promising to get done.

328 thoughts on “7 Things I Said Before I Had Kids That Are Total BullS%*t

  • November 10, 2014 at 12:25 am
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    Great list!!! I’ve done each of those and then some! Obviously, the world’s best parents are the ones who never had kids!

    (On a side note: You need to proof read before you post.)

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    • November 10, 2014 at 7:09 am
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      My wife said the same thing. Many, many times. Thanks for reading.

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      • January 24, 2015 at 6:57 am
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        Kzoodad. I was reading some of the comments you got (grammar and lazy parent jabs). Ignore! This was so funny! I’m a working mom. It was a long, rough week and you made me laugh out loud!!! Lighten up grammar and perfect parent police.

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      • January 27, 2015 at 1:12 pm
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        I think I may be extremely lucky in one regard. One of those 7 things I’ve actually managed to fulfil. Between me and my wife we have 3 kids. Our oldest is 14 and never leaves his bedroom, and hasn’t most of his life. He spends all day either playing video games or on the internet. I swore I would prevent the other two from following the same path so we deprived them of TV, internet, and video games. Even though it was a huge sacrifice not having such things for my own entertainment I was able to get used to it after about 6 months and it was worth it. Now, my 2 youngest spend most of their days playing outside, making friends, and getting exercise all while developing positive social skills. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get our oldest to do the same

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    • November 11, 2014 at 1:37 am
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      Honestly why proofread when your content is this awesome and shows how hard having kids is….its just evidence of your station in life.

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      • November 11, 2014 at 6:05 am
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        Cara my dirty little secret. I did fix a lit of mistakes, my grammer is just that bad. Some where my various english teachers are so ashamed. Thanks for reading.

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        • November 12, 2014 at 10:20 am
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          You’re kidding about “grammer”…right? Please say you know it’s grammar….please?

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          • November 23, 2014 at 2:30 pm
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            And it’s palate, not pallet.

        • November 18, 2014 at 10:31 pm
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          Please fix the title of this post. Please.

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          • November 19, 2014 at 5:17 pm
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            In what way do you want him to “fix the title of this post. Please”

            If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut.

            This is a blog post, not an academic paper trying to follow APA or MLA format. Enjoy it for what it is and keep the negative comments to yourself!

          • November 19, 2014 at 5:30 pm
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            Thanks and Go Broncos!

          • November 24, 2014 at 9:20 pm
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            Wow….. These people must all be perfect parents…. add grammar natzi to the list of things they do perfectly! STFU, get off the internet, and go watch your kids if you can’t laugh at the irony of the story.

          • January 8, 2015 at 1:11 pm
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            @wow
            It’s grammar nazi.

            General comment ahead:

            If you write on a blog or professionally I expect basic proofreading. Grammar errors I don’t mind as I suffer from them myself. Spelling, however, is easily checked thanks to modern technology.

            But regardless of whatever grammar errors that were left when I read this article, it didn’t matter. I got the point and it made me laugh. We all say/do this.

          • January 11, 2015 at 8:43 am
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            About changing the title…I think Aly just wanted you to add some punctuation to the title.

            “7 Things I Said Before I Had Kids That Are Total BullS%*t” has an unclear subject and could possibly sound like you are calling your kids bulls%*t. I think it’s funny, but I’m a firm believer in educating people when I can. Also, I thought this article was hilarious! I’m still trying to get my son to listen to me and respect me, but the other things I’ve given up on.

        • November 30, 2014 at 12:16 pm
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          Thanks for your funny and honest blog Bryan. I have two children and learned NOT to judge another parent unless you are a perfect one.
          I also dislike people who point out spelling errors on blogs.
          Cheers.

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          • December 5, 2014 at 9:03 am
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            Ditto, Cindy! I’m an English instructor, and I teach my students there’s a time and place for everything — including letting mistakes go in things like texts and personal blogs.

    • November 24, 2014 at 4:05 pm
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      I said every single one of those and every single one of those. With the exception of a little too much TV, every single one was easy to achieve. I was a single parent after my son was 6 and now he is in college with a full ride scholarship and a 3.97 GPA. I also had him later in life so I was more mature also. So, yeah, YEA ME ….and him.

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      • November 28, 2014 at 10:59 pm
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        If I could add one..

        Then: My kids will not play with guns knives or any other toy promoting violence
        Now: daily acting out dramatic death scenes after losing a round of nerf guns or swords in the living room

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        • November 30, 2014 at 11:56 am
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          Haha. Karrie, I said the same thing about gun violence. Now he has a collection of lightsabers and nerf/water guns. I figure, anything is better than video games (which he loves)!
          Thanks for your article Bryan. Funny and honest 🙂

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      • December 9, 2014 at 1:21 pm
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        I think it makes huge difference if there are two or more kids in the house instead of just one, especially if they are close enough in age to play together (and fight). By close I mean less than four years between them. Lots of kids are really well-behaved when they are alone. I’m an aunt of three (in one family) and have taught grade school for over 25 years. Even most little classroom miscreants can be sweet and well-behaved when they are the only child in the room, or in a small group (2 or 3 alone after school with the teacher~which of course is very different from living in a family situation).

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        • January 10, 2015 at 8:08 am
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          Absolutely! Kids feed off of each other. I have 3 girls. The 1st two are 20 months apart and the last two are 2.5 years apart. I keep thinking how awesome my 1st kid would be if I only had her. Ha. Life is so much easier with just one child. In the very slim chance that I actually have one of my children alone to myself, they are little angels. And my interaction with them is very different. A friend of mine asked me why I didn’t play board games with my children and told me how important they are in teaching educational aspects and how to take turns. Yeah, she has one 4-year-old child. I told her I would if I only had my 4-year-old but I also have a two-year-old and a baby and the two-year-old likes to run her hand over the pieces and flip the board and has no concept of taking turns no matter how often I explain it to her. Then my 4-year-old gets mad and starts yelling and a fight erupts. Yep, just easier to not attempt it.

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    • November 25, 2014 at 1:46 am
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      Yes, those with no kids, or the empty nesters looking back with rose colored glasses, and apparently, from reading on in the comments, many with only one child. In many ways, I was still a “parenting expert,” especially since #1 was such an easy baby, until #2 came along (also about the same time #1 was reaching terrible-two max capacity…many myth bubbles burst that year…). With each new child, and individual stages (oh so unique for each little person), more myths are busted in my perfect-parent-pre&post-parenting book. The only thing I know for sure now as a parent is that pretty much everything you thought you knew about parenting goes to pot once your child gains a sense of their own individuality, particularly if said child is strong-willed. Maybe not reinventing the wheel, so to speak, but when the frame changes, so do the steering mechanisms, necessitating re-learning to drive.

      Also, if I learned anything from high school ap English, it’s how to spot satire. One tactic used in such pieces is called hyperbole. This article is dripping with it. Before you call the author, or parents in general, lazy excuse-makers, think about that (look it up if need be). Any parent with even a glimmer of humor will appreciate this article for what it’s worth.

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      • December 3, 2014 at 11:44 pm
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        Well said.
        Though it’s made family dynamics and life so much more difficult, in a way I’m glad my firstborn came along with an extremely complex set of difficult disabilities (physically unmarked– so hello,lifetime of judgment and condemnation who don’t even understand what they’re looking at!). Blew me off of my high horse right away, and keeps me there every day.
        And then #2 came along. TOTALLY different personality and level of challenge. (If I’d had him first, I would have thought I was a genius parent.)
        So, I figured, if #1 was over on this end of the spectrum (the neat, tidy one I still clung to at the time), and #2 is on the opposite end, then #3 will surely fall somewhere in the middle, right? Nope. Somehow, some way, there was a 3rd point of “opposite.” Same gene pool… how does this degree of variety happen?
        When we adopted our 4th, not one trait the same, whole other set of challenges.
        If my parenting evaluation was based on the outward appearance of my kids’ behavior, personalities, achievements, etc as many seem to think is a valid way to go…. Well, if I had just my #2 and #4, wow am I awesome!!! I mean, please attend my seminars for $299.99. Just my #1 and #3? Clearly,I need lots of seminars and advice. Just #1? I “deserve” evil eyes, judgment, ridicule from the all-knowing (ask me how I know).
        Non-parents, empty nesters with rosy, selective memories, and parents with only one or two kids, or all neurotypical kids who say the kinds of things some commenters are saying here have not one clue how obscenely prideful they are.
        So anyway, what a great,light-hearted, funny reflection of the author’s parenting journey!

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        • January 23, 2015 at 11:35 pm
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          Thanks @Marian, I loved your comment. I too have fantastic, awesome, complex nueroatypical kids and can really empathise with the challenges you describe. I wouldn’t trade them for the world but boy do they make the journey challenging (and a little hairy) at times! Respect for handling a tribe of 4 with great humour and self reflection. And yes, I wouldn’t be even half the parent I am if it weren’t for the life lessons my kids have taught me. 🙂

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    • November 26, 2014 at 8:38 am
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      You poor, poor pathetic people behind the computer screens critiquing an entertaining article that you could not have come close to writing. WHOA – is my first sentence too long? AND OMG – I almost -ALMOST forgot the comma between the poor poor. Should I go back and insert it? Okay I did. Whew – I hope Scott, Karen and NoCleverMOniker or whatever her stupid screen name is now feel better. Save your grammar corrections for work. OR are you all home wiping butts so this is how you make yourselves feel important?

      Please note – I have not hidden behind a screen name. That is my real name.

      KZOODAD – I do not have children but yes, I do always thought all the same things you thought “IF” I had kids.

      Excellent story! 🙂 Two thumbs up.

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      • January 22, 2015 at 11:33 am
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        “Or are you all home wiping butts so this is how you make yourselves feel important” So if your home doing that you shouldn’t feel important? Though I do agree with lots of your post Carla.

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    • November 28, 2014 at 1:54 pm
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      The only thing that is dumb is this article. Wow, you sound like a pansy who has no authority in his own home. You also sound like a man who has no idea how to spank or how to rear a child. Kids don’t want to eat what you place before them? Send them to bed hungry. Kids are not listening to you? They get spanked and explained why their behavior is unnaceptable and disrespectful. You work on focusing on their hearts and by that you mold their behavior. Your “now” version is truly just a sad excuse for laziness and letting the kids rule the roost. I encourage you to read the book Parenting is Heart Work. Your family and your mindset will come away altered from the tripe you obviously subscribe to.

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      • November 28, 2014 at 2:40 pm
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        Hannah thanks for the insults and advice.

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        • November 30, 2014 at 7:56 pm
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          love your comment kzoodad. you’re doing right by your kids. I’m a stepmom to a 9 year old boy. Never wanted kids myself. My mind was changed. I thought all the same things, well when *I* have a kid it’ll be different. these people just don’t get it. Your article couldn’t be more accurate 🙂 love it

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        • January 8, 2015 at 2:21 am
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          I feel you bro… I feel you. That 1000 x Frozen thing is something I may have written myself. Thank God for YouTubes !

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      • November 28, 2014 at 3:10 pm
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        Wow. All I can say is wow… Followed the comments on this one, and I’m getting on for sorry I did. LOL Seriously… are that many people SO uptight they can’t see humor when they read it? And so insecure they can’t see something they disagree with (a relaxed parenting philosophy) and just CLICK ON TO THE NEXT THING???

        That’s kind of sad.

        You have a lot of patience. Kudos for that.
        Hope you guys had an awesome Thanksgiving. 😀

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      • November 29, 2014 at 5:51 am
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        Spanking is the laziest form of parenting…

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        • January 15, 2015 at 9:55 pm
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          This article is so on the money. As a parent of twins who just turned two in December I can totally relate.
          The meal thing is so true. I always thought they would just eat what we served. Well one does, while the other makes art with the food and still puts in her hair.

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      • November 29, 2014 at 11:50 am
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        Sounds like she is self promoting a book about how to torture children.

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      • November 29, 2014 at 11:51 am
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        Wow you’re a disgusting person. Someome come get this child abuser out of here!!

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      • November 30, 2014 at 11:43 am
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        Parents who spank their children are simply ignorant. Children who are spanked more than twice a month on average have a lower IQ, lower mental health, more aggressive behavior and are more likely to end up in jail as an adult. There are much better forms of discipline.

        This is a great article because this Dad is obviously trying. Most parents are just reactionary. I love this article, and I’m glad you wrote it. For those of us who are sincerely trying to be good parents it’s cathartic to hear that other good parents are struggling as well.

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        • December 6, 2014 at 8:54 am
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          I completely disagree with this.

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          • December 6, 2014 at 11:57 am
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            I’d love to see the documentation for your assertion that children who are spanked more than twice a month have lower IQs, lower mental health, are more aggressive and are more likely to end up in jail. I hope it’s not just from a review of currently incarcerated people.

        • December 20, 2014 at 3:38 pm
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          Hmm I was spanked more then twice a day growing up…. my IQ is intact I mean I have a 3.89 GPA in college while doing really well with my avionics job in the Navy at the same time and supporting my wife and three kids…. only difference is I don’t lay a hand on my kids like it was done to me but that’s not the point of my reply.

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          • December 22, 2014 at 4:07 am
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            Who cares about hitting your kids. There yours to hit. So F*** it. In the end every parent f**** up and kids turn out how they turn out

        • December 23, 2014 at 10:11 am
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          Total crock of crap. I was spanked whenever I did something wrong or bad, usually 4 times a week. My IQ is 165, last checked 3 yeas ago when I was getting out of the Army at 29. I just finished my first semester at college, 23 credit hours and a 3.87GPA. I manage my money well to where I live comfortably with my wife and have no debt outside my mortgage. According to my neurological workup from potential PTSD issues the doctors cleared me as having near perfect mental health. As far as your accusation on aggression, the only aggression in my life is when people bring it on to me, or my job required it.

          So get it through your head Dr. Phil, spanking does not hurt a child’s development, there are plenty of people here who have stated the same rebuttal to your post. BEATING a child may cause those issues, but simply disciplining them accordingly with a spanking as needed obviously does not harm people. Also it is human nature to accept information better when pain is involved. The brain links doing bad things will cause pain, people don’t like pain, therefore they avoid doing bad things to avoid pain.

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          • January 24, 2015 at 4:42 pm
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            All hitting a child teaches is that it is OK to strike another person as long as you are bigger and/or more powerful than they are. How many parents spank their children once those children are no longer smaller than them?

      • December 2, 2014 at 11:38 pm
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        I have 3 children and one on the way. my oldest doesn’t even know what a spanking is and he is the most amazing boy. I decided to do chill out time, when you chill you can join us again, not timed. So far it is working. I admit by the age of three I am tempted to spank but I look at my oldest son for a reminder of what worked. Everyone has there thing that works. I can only relate to a bit of the article I like the authors point. I do not agree with people encouraging physical abuse!!

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        • December 16, 2014 at 2:01 pm
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          2002: When the caregivers themselves are the source of distress, children are unable to modulate arousal. This causes a breakdown in the capacity to process and regulate experience. At the core of traumatic stress is a breakdown in the capacity to regulate internal states. (Van der Kolk B. 2002. Trauma and Memory. Psychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 52 (1) pp52–64,.

          · 2003: Corporal punishment of infants results in elevated baseline levels of cortisol. (Bugental DB, Martorell GA, Barraza V. The hormonal costs of subtle forms of infant maltreatment. Horm Behav 2003;43: 237-44)

          · 2009: The IQs of children ages 2 to 4 who were not spanked were 5 points higher four years later than the IQs of those who were spanked. The IQs of children ages 5 to 9 years old who were not spanked were 2.8 points higher four years later than the IQs of children the same age who were spanked. (Physorg.com. 2009. Children who are spanked have lower IQs, new research finds. Accessible at http://www.physorg.com/news173077612.html)

          · 2009: 17,404 university students from 32 different countries were surveyed. The analysis found a lower average IQ in countries where spanking is more prevalent. (Physorg.com. 2009. Children who are spanked have lower IQs, new research finds. Accessible at http://www.physorg.com/news173077612.html)

          · 2009: Exposing children to physical punishment has detrimental effects on brain development, and may reduce the volume of the brain’s grey matter. (Mehta MA, et al. 2009. Amygdala, hippocampal and corpus callosum size following severe early institutional deprivation: The English and Romanian Adoptees study pilot. J Child Psychol Psychiatry 50:943–951

          · 2010: Physical punishment has been seen to cause alterations in the dopaminergic regions associated with vulnerability to the abuse of drugs and alcohol. (Sheu Y-S, Polcan A, Anderson CM, et al. 2010. Harsh corporal punishment is associated with increased T2 relaxation time in dopamine-rich regions. Neuroimage 53: 412-9.

          · 2011: Study of two schools in West Africa, one of which used corporal punishment and one of which did not found that the children at the school where corporal punishment was used were less able to perform tasks involving ‘executive functioning’ (such as planning, abstract thinking and delaying gratification). (Physorg.com. 2011. Spare the rod and develop the child. Accessible at http://www.physorg.com/news/2011-07-rod-child-non-corporal-discipline-aids.html)

          · 2013: Children who were frequently spanked by their fathers at age 5 had lower vocabulary scores at age 9.( MacKenzie M, Nicklas E, Waldfogel J, and Brooks-Gunn J. 2013. Spanking and Child Development Across the First Decade of Life. Paediatrics.org. Accessible at http://www.pediatrics.org/cgi/doi/10.1542/peds.2013-1227)

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      • December 3, 2014 at 1:14 pm
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        I was wondering if any Fox News worshipping Republicans would comment on this article.

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        • December 11, 2014 at 1:20 am
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          Karel, I am a Republican and I watch Fox News. I loved this article! I can relate sooooo much to this! Not quite sure what you are trying to stir up…?

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      • December 3, 2014 at 6:03 pm
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        We found the “perfect” parent everyone. Miss Hannah, please tell us everything the BOOKS taught you about being a parent. I actually parent like that and you know what, it still doesn’t work. My little girl is a fireball, no matter how I’m doing it. This was a true and funny article. I hate when grammar police try to ruin it, (which they didn’t.) These educated people critiquing it probably work at a restaurant, because they got through college then landed on their face.
        Kudos on being a good dad.

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        • December 3, 2014 at 10:28 pm
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          Hannah I would like to know how many children you have? I have twin girls who ares going to be 11 in a month and I don’t spank or send my kids to bed hungry but they do get disciplined. My girls are great girls, I haven never had a bad report from school, actually all teachers have told me how awesome my girls are, they get good grades, soccer coaches just love them, are great with little kids, they listen to all their parents (stepparents to)and are loved by their friends parents. Let me tell you I have done plenty of these things that are listed in this article. So don’t be so harsh on other parents, parenting is hard and most do the best they can.

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      • December 4, 2014 at 7:36 pm
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        I totally disagree with Hannah. I am a stay at home parent of four. My children are well behaved and respectful, the minute we walk out of the house or someone other than my husband or myself walks in the door. That’s how I know I’m doing it right. This means they are comfortable enough with me to push their limits. It does not mean I don’t discipline or that my house is total chaos. Kids fight, they backtalk, they are sneaking and guess ? THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO. I do believe in spanking, however if your child is afraid of you that is probably beating not spanking. I’m sorry Hannah but you sound like a bully and I’m sure your children observe that.

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        • December 11, 2014 at 8:24 pm
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          Exactly! Meltdowns, chaos, throwing things (on BabyGirl’s part), back-talking, door-slamming (with subsequent door-removal), prolonged screaming (on BabyGirl’s part), and vehement “What-do-you-mean-I-have-to-take-a-bath???s”. But, in public, she was/is sweet, attentive, polite, well-behaved, and, in general, made/makes her parents proud. She’s now a Financial Analyst in an international corporation after graduating from a prestigious university with High Honors. There’s a lot to be said for letting them vent at home where it’s safe, and increasing expectations as they mature. She has thanked us since high school for teaching her limits, manners, the fact that rules matter, appropriate self-expression, consequences of choices, trust in herself, and in her parents. She’s not perfect, never will be; neither are her parents, which we often remind her, but she’s an awesome example of humanity (and yes, the above 7 “things” are definitely applicable!).

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      • December 4, 2014 at 11:54 pm
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        Hahaha–my parents take a similar approach to parenting (you’ve heard of the tiger mother, I presume?). We get along fine and I’m a relatively obedient kid; I love them dearly and got a more-than-full-ride scholarship to university, if that’s your indicator of success. But I could never bring myself to come to them with any problems I’ve dealt with in life, and frankly I’d rather chew my own foot off than have a “heart to heart” with them.

        Don’t get me wrong–they’re amazing parents. But there is something to be said about a softer hand.

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      • December 5, 2014 at 8:50 am
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        Wow! Quite the judgmental. I’ve successfully raised 3 kids under all the same assumptions and realizations. My kids are successful, well-rounded and happy. AND they still call me 2-3x a week just to check in on me.

        Every family dynamic is different. We need to be supportive of parents who are trying to do the best they can.

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      • December 6, 2014 at 1:29 am
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        Thank you Hannah! I was just about to say that. I’m a single dad with a teenage son. He has never broken anything mere hours after receiving it, I can’t recall him ever throwing a tantrum except for when he was an infant and that was his only method of communcation. He eats what I cook and, what’s more, is I have never lied to him. I love the discussion we have ranging from video games to dealing with Ebola. Clearly this guy should never have been a parent.

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        • December 6, 2014 at 10:46 am
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          Annnnd, here we go again with ANOTHER expert parent with ….. drumroll …. ONE child only. You people seriously have no idea. John – you have clearly missed the point of the blog … it is HUMOR … something to make us chuckle. Saying someone should never have been a parent simply because he writes a blog pointing out the hard and challenging parts of raising kids in a comical way makes you an ignorant tool, John. I know who I would prefer as a parent.

          Reply
          • January 11, 2015 at 1:11 am
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            ok so they make certain clothes in one size fits all and then some are made in small, medium, large, etc. well parenting is NOT a one size fits all, hell its not even a one size fits most. Every family is unique no matter how you were brought up to the way you picture bringing up your children every situation is slightly to extremely different from the next person. My husband and myself have 2 wonderful and amazing kids who are extremely bright and constantly on honor roll and very well behaved and respectful. The point is not if you spank or not. Parenting is all trial and error until you find what works for each specific child and for each situation. So those of you who swear by spanking and those who swear by timeouts good for you if you found what works for that child just remember what works for one doesn’t always work for another. To the dad who wrote this Thank you! Sorry for all the others who couldn’t except it as it is for what it is. Sorry if everything is not spelled, wrote or punctuated properly some people don’t have time to take 30 mins to make sure everything is perfect for a comment on a blog some actual have more important things to do. That and I am not getting graded or fined if I screw up a little.

        • December 12, 2014 at 2:12 pm
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          John if you are so god darn perfect, why even read the blog! I actually never had judgement on other peoples children or raising. Not my personality. My oldest rules the roost. I love his strong will personality. Im here to guide him, and believe it will serve him well one day. But I am not perfect. It’s a journey not a sprint folks. On a side note, my non children friends SURE like to give their opinions on other people’s kids, including mine. I tell them they will change their tune when it’s their turn.

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        • December 31, 2014 at 5:36 pm
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          Pretty sure once he’s out of the house he’ll go buck wild. He’s so “good” with you because especially terrified to have his own personality. He isn’t allowed to dislike anything, disagree with you, or really have any thoughts of his own. Good job there, perfect dad, for raising a robot and not a human who is allowed to have their own opinion.

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      • December 17, 2014 at 12:25 pm
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        “Kids don’t want to eat what you place before them? Send them to bed hungry. Kids are not listening to you? They get spanked and explained why their behavior is unnaceptable and disrespectful.”

        No. Just no. This is why kids act out. They are people with feelings and deserve respect. Do you know how they show respect? By first having it shown to them. Too many parents demand respect without reciprocating and your harsh words illustrate that.

        As an adult do you get to choose which foods you want to eat? Do you get to decide what’s for dinner? Do you avoid foods you don’t like or that you aren’t in the mood for? Do you go to bed hungry? But you see no problem doing this to your children? We’ve never ever had an issue in our house. Do you know why? Because I have always taken my children’s likes and dislikes into account when making a meal. And sometimes they just aren’t hungry at dinner time. They always know the leftovers are there for later. Do you know why people end up having messed up relationships with food? Because other people dictate when they are allowed to be hungry and what they are allowed to eat. There is nothing wrong with showing respect for your child’s feelings and allowing them to make these choices for themselves. The world seriously will not fall apart if you allow your kids to help create grocery lists and decide what’s for dinner.

        Then there is the second part–they get spanked. Again, if you do something unacceptable, does someone walk up and hit you? Or do they take the time to explain to you why what you just did isn’t acceptable? Spanking accomplishes absolutely nothing. It is a form of bullying and nothing more. You accuse the author of this piece as being a lazy parenting. There is nothing lazier than hitting a child because you aren’t getting the results you think you deserve as a parent.

        Stop treating your children as lesser than.

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        • December 31, 2014 at 5:40 pm
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          But but but… I made them! I can beat them if I want to! I can starve them if I want to! Who cares if they have feelings and emotions and are just little humans like you and me? I sure don’t! I’m going to force those peas down their throat until they vomit or I’m going to beat them for not eating!
          All sarcasm aside, if you treat your children with the live and respect that you would treat any other human, you will get that same love and respect back. I hate milk. But it’s good for me. If If another human forced me to drink milk or threatened to spank me, I’d be irate. I can’t rationally get behind this military style parenting.

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        • January 5, 2015 at 4:37 pm
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          High Five Amelia Jade! You said it a lot nicer than I would have! So true! Sooo sick of hearing about the old school and how perfect life turned out because they got spanked. Keep disrespecting your precious children and spanking them, lets talk in 10 years and see how that worked out for you Hannah! Keep breaking their spirts and call ourself good parents!

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      • January 2, 2015 at 11:38 pm
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        You are a complete idiot Hannah!

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      • January 15, 2015 at 5:02 pm
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        Wow. I’m sure he will jump right on that advice. I always listen to advice from assholes who call blog writers “pansys” too. Go back to the angels I’m sure you are raising with so much “heart.” im gonna call bullshit.

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    • January 8, 2015 at 12:22 am
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      I love this article and many others like it since its kind of an affirmation that I’m not crazy or alone. People don’t know or realize raising kids is really, really hard and everyone has different strengths and skills to cope with it. I started off very militant in my perfect ideas but my daughter quickly corrected me lol good job daddy!

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    • January 10, 2015 at 1:16 pm
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      This article just re-affirmed why I don’t want kids. Not because they act accordingly, but because they will be around other children who are being reared by adults who have given up on them before they enter school. If this is the future of our society I want my offspring to have no part of it.

      Reply
  • November 10, 2014 at 2:26 am
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    Man, that was crazy! LOL I seriously think my husband could relate. LOL! thanks for this

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  • November 10, 2014 at 10:36 am
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    Parenthood is paved with good intentions, but it’s driven on and walked all over by people with kids …..

    Reply
      • November 23, 2014 at 12:07 pm
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        It never ends. I used to say my kids would come to appreciate me when they turn 30.

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      • November 24, 2014 at 6:22 am
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        Lolol after 3 kids all I can say to this all is yes and yes lolololol. I was that non-parent with all grand ideas that didn’t pan out or coincide with their personalities ans wants lol. The one thing is my kids eat everything but would rather have fast food, though they get fast food once every couple of weeks they ask everyday. Loved this post and got a real chuckle.

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  • November 10, 2014 at 7:10 pm
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    LOL!! Yep! And just wait… it gets better when they’re teens! 😀

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    • November 12, 2014 at 1:35 am
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      Great article, I laughed my butt off! Honestly though? Having a parent home, I still think is priceless. So youre off to a funny start, but if you can stay a family unit?? Unbelievably big rewards will come from raising for girls! Hang in there!

      Reply
  • November 10, 2014 at 8:25 pm
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    The way children act is often beyond your control (and it should be! we’re not trying to raise obedient servants, we’re trying to raise thoughtful, responsible, loving adults). The way your children eat, however, is perfectly within your control. To opt for hot dogs and McDonald’s rather than sit at the table with your picky child for an hour while they lament their broccoli is your choice. You once believed that your children would eat fresh, nutritious food…why? Because you knew (and know) that it’s best for them. But because it was hard…because it was time-consuming…because it was inconvenient…you opted for a choice that you know is less healthy for your children.

    We all make trade-offs. We all get dealt a hand that is different than what we imagined. We all prioritize one thing over another because we have to. That’s life. But I think health and nutrition is absolutely one of the most important gifts you can give your kids…one that is perfectly within your capability to give, and one that you know is the best thing to do even if it isn’t the easiest.

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    • November 10, 2014 at 8:41 pm
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      Ms. T, Dont worry. I did and continue to spend the time. I was only trying to frame the frustration of parenting with a little humor. Thanks for careing and thanks for reading.

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    • November 11, 2014 at 1:41 am
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      Haha clearly your kids are not picky!! Your opinion is not helpful fir picky kids that continue to be picky fir years and eventually grow out of it. I’m a big advocate of feeding my children, sometimes food us better than any special or specific diet. Fyi my phone keeps changing for to fir and I’m too tired to change it

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      • November 11, 2014 at 9:56 pm
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        My children don’t like some foods, to be sure. My 5 year old girl doesn’t like broccoli, but considering the fact that the nutrients found in broccoli can be garnered from other sources that she *does* like, I don’t make a big deal about her eating broccoli. If, however, she didn’t like *any vegetables*, there’d be no wiggle room allowed. You eat your veggies, or you don’t eat. I’ve also explained to my kids that food is about *nutrition*, and the nutrients a growing body needs aren’t found in McDonald’s, in boxed mac-and-cheese, or in hot dogs. So, guess what? They’ve never been fed hot dogs, or boxed mac-and-cheese, or McDonald’s. Kids will eat what you feed them. Granted, my girl loves lollipops. She asks for them every single day. If I gave her the option of eating her vegetable curry with kale and apple salad, or eating a bag of lollipops, she’d choose the lollipops all day every day. So…she doesn’t get that option. And guess what? I’m the one who introduced her to lollipops…I’m the one who made that purchase, and I’m the one that gave them to her. I’m also the one who can take them away from her, and when she acts a fool, that’s the first thing that goes. And I explain it thus: “lollipops have *zero* nutritional value…they’re not a necessity, they’re a treat…you act a fool, you lose your treat. End of discussion.”

        I think lots of people just want to take the easy road, and in the process, they are really harming their children’s health. I grew up on fast food and would refuse to eat anything green when I was a child. My parents allowed that throughout my entire childhood, and as I became an adult and I learned about nutrition, I changed my diet. Slowly. And painfully. I pinched my nose many times eating cauliflower and kale and tomatoes before I finally developed a taste for them. Now I’m a very healthy eater, but it took a lot of work and I had to undo a lot of the bad habits I had acquired as a child. I also, at 32, have high blood pressure despite the fact that I am average weight for my age, am in good physical health, and eat a very healthy diet. I don’t want my children to have the same struggles. I want better for my kids. So I don’t allow my children to be picky. I don’t allow them to *tell me* what they will eat. They don’t know what’s best for their bodies. I do. It’s my responsibility to maintain their health and set them up for success as an adult. If you absolve yourself of that responsibility because your children are “picky,” perhaps stepping back from the situation and recognizing the role you have played in creating their pickiness is the first step towards undoing bad habits and creating good ones.

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        • November 12, 2014 at 8:05 am
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          You are fortunate that your child will eat when you draw a hard line. Mine didn’t, even as a toddler, he would not eat but only a few foods (bacon, crackers, and grapes… that’s it, nothing else!). My oldest was an adventurous eater and even though I was a picky eater as a child, I just knew that it was my awesome parenting skills that caused my oldest to be such a wonderful eater… until my 2nd child came along. No matter what we did, and we drew a hard line many times, he would just not eat. He refused foods to the point he was losing weight, and he was already small so it was weight he couldn’t afford to lose. Now, at 11, he is still very picky but because we continued to draw the hard line he will now at least try a bite of everything on his plate… but he continues to be picky to the point of being very small and losing weight. So I try to feed him mostly foods that I know he likes and will eat a lot of, and there aren’t very many of those foods! As with anything in parenting, you find what works and go with that.

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          • November 22, 2014 at 10:48 pm
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            Ha! My picky eater will eat all his carrots for dinner and nothing else. Carrots, carrots and more carrots. Next meal, won’t touch them. But will eat 10 raspberries.

        • November 19, 2014 at 12:06 pm
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          Hey look everybody, we have the world’s greatest mom here!

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        • November 20, 2014 at 10:05 am
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          I very much try to promote healthy eating in my children. I do not have junk food in the house (other than a rare treat), I cook mostly healthy foods and I do not make multiple meals for my children. I have sat with my 4 year old for over an hour EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to get him to eat 10 bites of food (Even when he likes the meal)… at least 3 days a week he is completely hysterical before he leaves the table. I do not give in.

          That being said, you better believe there are nights where I say “Give the kid some pizza because I don’t want to deal with it.”

          If you even try to tell me that I don’t try hard enough or don’t care… you are crazy. Being healthy is super important… Some kids are picky, despite the parents best effort… and as far as not introducing them to mcdonalds or chocolate, do they not have friends? My kids learned all they need to know about junk food from other people… part of life.

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        • November 21, 2014 at 8:54 pm
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          Seems like you have the answer for everything! I have a 5 yr old who has refused any form of vegetable or fruit since she was a baby and will happily go to bed hungry every night if it means she doesn’t have to eat them.

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        • November 23, 2014 at 9:48 pm
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          You are lucky your child will eat. Before I had my child I believed that you make one meal and children eat what you make. After

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          • November 23, 2014 at 9:57 pm
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            After my son was born, my mind was changed. From birth my son has been a picky eater. If you force him to eat something it is a guarantee that he will hate it. He would rather starve than eat something he does not like.

        • November 24, 2014 at 6:59 pm
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          It’s good that what you do works for your kids, but to say that you can just bulldoze your way over ANY picky kid is just is not true. I’m not saying this as a parent, I’m saying this as one of those picky kids. If you threw kale in front of me at five, I would sit there for two hours and pick at it. I absolutely would not eat it. Want to know how I know this? Because my dad tried that on me with broccoli. I also did not like any fast food besides a patty and cheese, and I rarely even wanted that. You know what I wanted? Plain spaghetti noodles, that’s it.

          It didn’t matter if you introduced it to me as a baby either — I very literally would not eat any baby food and very literally starved myself as a baby if my mom tried to force the matter.

          You say that the food you give them is only option? That’s not really true. There is always the option of “nothing,” and the really, really picky kids will take that option every time. For those of you with true picky kids, unlike Mrs. T, good luck. I grew out of it, but it took me about 24 years.

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          • November 26, 2014 at 6:59 pm
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            Yep I am with Jane Doe on this one, my poor parents, I was the WORST eater (still am truth be told) and they did everything they could think of to get me to eat things I didn’t like, I spent many nights at the dinner table for what felt like hours, went to bed hungry, was begged pleaded and forced to eat things, had food hidden in food I actually liked (my mom thought she was so clever) and I was outraged when I tasted it (yep I could taste it though I had no idea it was there) They really did their best but it’s not about them it’s me. I out grew some of it but not all of it. It’s a huge pain in the ass to be honest and I wish I was different. Some of it has to do with texture (makes me gag) taste and smell. I just can not eat some things, cheese being one of those things, which is on everything and I am always sending food back or wind up starving at an event because there is nothing with out cheese on it. Thankfully my son eats almost everything, he sometimes kicks up a fuss but usually ends up liking the food he initially refused to try. He has to eat at least one bite of everything on his plate, if he doesn’t like it fine but he tried it and will try it again in the future. He’s a pretty good eater which I am thankful for but he pulls the typical kid stuff where he will claim he doesn’t like something he loved just last week. It is what it is, I no longer worry he will have the dysfunction I have with food, most kids grow out of those phases. And some of us don’t no matter how much we wish we could. I’d pick starving over eating something I hate and I think that’s worse when you are growing.

          • January 4, 2015 at 12:54 pm
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            I have picky eaters. My first was from birth. Seriously. He was sick and needed pediolite. The dr kept saying he’d drink “dirty ditch water” when hungry enough. But I was not supposed to give him formula. He was less than a year a old. I tried this. He was probably 11 months bc he held own bottle in my arms. He’d put it in his mouth as soon as he realized it wasn’t formula he threw it. This went on for five days. How do you explain to a baby the necessity of drinking his pediolite? I finally gave him formula and didn’t tell the dr. Even now he’ll only drink water or milk, mostly water.
            My second was the opposite. She’d eat anything. Broccoli. She’d even eat raw lemon at age two. Now she’s seven. I thought I’d have no issue with her. Boy was I wrong. What she liked yesterday she won’t today and every night when I pick her up from my parents report is she didn’t eat. But daily on the way home she’s hungry and want a Mc flurry from mcdonalds. She still eats broccoli and carrots and apples but gone are the days she’ll eat anything. My favorite is she leaves the room when she sees strawberries convinced they “cause her nosebleeds” lol.

            So for you perfect parents, how would you have drawn a hard line with a child less than one who would not touch what he needed? Send him hungry? Starve him? It was a battle for a couple days but I refused to let him die bc of Dr orders. Maybe you perfect parents had a book on how to telepath into a babies brain the need to drink their pediolite. If I drew a hard line life that my child would have died or ended up in the hospital from malnutrition bc he was very sick. I think four weeks at that time. Four different meds that time for whatever he had. He’s now almost 10 so I can’t remember exactly.

        • November 28, 2014 at 4:43 am
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          Ms T. you very obviously have never had to deal with an actual very picky eater. I think the biggest evidence of this is that you seem to think that most picky eaters are ‘ I don’t like healthy foods, I only want junk foods’. True picky eaters are usually just as fussy about ‘treat’ foods as they are about any other food.

          Eating involves more senses being used at one time than almost any other activity. It can be overwhelming for some ‘sensitive’ children or for those that have sensory issues. Having had one fussy child and one very adventurous eater, I can tell you that what you are doing as a parent makes no difference to these very fundamental differences in personality type. I have met so many parents who have struggled daily with very picky eaters and eventually have to let go of the idea that they can change them. Many get much better as they grow older, and some only learn to try new foods as adults.

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        • December 9, 2014 at 1:30 pm
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          Although picky eaters can drive parents “crazy”, it is possible that some kids just do not taste things the same way as others. It isn’t necessarily good or bad parenting that determines whether a child is a picky eater, although those issues can have a part in it. However, it is good to consider that children are different!

          http://www.tastescience.com/abouttaste3.html

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        • December 18, 2014 at 11:29 am
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          For those of you commenting about not giving your child a choice about what he eats – I have been that parent declaring that my child WILL eat what I make, only to watch him force himself to gag and vomit everything he didn’t want to eat. I can put the food in his mouth, but not make him swallow it. What do you do then? Continue to force him to eat food he doesn’t want and then throw it up? We now have the try-one-bite rule, but even then I have to be careful what I put on his plate. For him, it’s all about the texture of the food.

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        • January 11, 2015 at 2:04 am
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          so you say you don’t give them a option well what about those kids that are picky eaters but because they have health issues? my daughter age 7 has intestinal problems its hereditary through my husbands side. you are telling me that u would make a child eat something that would cause them issues just because its good for them with the nutrional value. There are foods that are really good for you that my daughter cant eat and there are some that she can and there are some that she can eat one day but not another. We use to say u will eat what we make until we realized that her taste buds weren’t just about taste and texture they were telling her what her body could handle at that point in time. Granite she is a very healthy eater she absolutely loves raw fruits and veggies of all kinds but not always can she handle them and the one that she can handle but she doesn’t like no matter what is green beans. She and I both know that they are good for her but will she eat them no I have to get her a different veggie on those nights that we decide that the rest of us want that one that night because you need to know when to pick your battles with your kids and when its alright to give in to their wants, likes or dislikes.

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    • November 17, 2014 at 4:21 pm
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      I used to think this as well – that it was fully up to me as a parent how my kids would eat. Then I had kids. And I found that they just aren’t always what we think they will be.

      I have twins – one will try just about anything and eats well and a huge variety of food. The other, despite forced “try at least one bite” practices, is not just a picky eater but horrified of even trying certain foods. He is sensitive to small and texture and will gag. I have kept his food on the healthy side – but his choices are extremely limited and I have compromised in ways I never thought I would. In fact the year of forced trying things seems to have backfired and made things worse…

      Live and learn.

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    • November 24, 2014 at 8:30 pm
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      Are you done? Every parent has their strengths and weaknesses. Get over yourself.

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      • August 22, 2015 at 5:06 pm
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        Finally thanks D we have four kids 30 29 25 and 15 and now we have four grandchildren….. Parenting is tough but it’s worth it

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  • November 11, 2014 at 6:50 am
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    Can you share which learning apps you use. I love the alphabet app I have but I am always open to new ones. Thanks 🙂 plus my husband and I laugh all the time about the things we said when we were single and when his single siblings say crap about parenting we just nod and laugh and wait for when they have kids. Mean I know lol.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 8:20 am
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    The verb in the title should be are.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 8:28 am
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    Haha I absolutely love this. Although, I’m currently the “before” you. Thanks for sharing the inevitable reality.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 10:27 am
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    To the comment about sitting there for hours being a choice. I am guessing you don’t have kids school aged? Because sitting for a hour (just to get my son to eat)is impossible with homework and sports, bath time and five mins to just play with them. I am all about my kids eating healthy buy let’s face it the only day of the week that I can afford a hour of sitting is on Sundays at family dinner. And my son will eat whatever is on that plate. Mainly because he wants to get up and play.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 10:33 am
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    I have to tell you I thought the exact same things when my wife was pregnant with both of my little princesses! I belly laughed at every single word in your article. It was as if I was dictating to you! Great article, and I generally get worked up over poor grammar as well, but hey, we are busy parents right? Awesome article though!

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  • November 11, 2014 at 11:01 am
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    Haters will hate… everyone will have an opinion and think their way is the best and only way to do well, everything. Lol… keep on being real. That is the biggest lesson you can teach!

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  • November 11, 2014 at 11:05 am
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    All of these sound like the result of you being a push-over, letting your kids do whatever the hell they want.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 12:49 pm
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    Raising kids is a hard job! Congrats on realizing it! My kids are all grown up and out of the house and we all survived. Hang in there and keep on trudging!

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  • November 11, 2014 at 1:33 pm
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    Great post. Our first kid is due at the end of December. I’m doing my best to be realistic on what is/isn’t going to happen when she’s born. I’m sure my wife and I will make a bunch of mistakes throughout (hopefully nothing permanently scarring), but, overall, I’m hopeful we’ll be great parents.

    Don’t worry about the grammar/spelling mistakes – this is a blog, you’re not writing an Op-Ed for the New York Times.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 2:46 pm
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    Could we at least use grammar correctly in the headline?

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    • November 11, 2014 at 2:59 pm
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      To be honest, at my skill level, proboly not.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 3:25 pm
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    LoooooL, you´re talking about me. And yes “Frozen” is the best to get quiet for a few seconds.
    I hope nobody want to say something about my grammar, I ´m from Germany an I thought only ther Germans are such “Klugscheißer” 😉

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    • November 19, 2014 at 4:01 pm
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      Great, now I’ve got the Klugschiesser song stuck in my head. Nope, lots of folks here love to play grammar police, and I can’t blame them. The ongoing online butchery of the English language is appalling. You can’t blame Americans though; most of them are descended from cultures that had much easier languages, languages that made rules and stuck to them, languages like German! 😀

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  • November 11, 2014 at 3:35 pm
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    I have got to know what the learning apps are! It nay have been asked, but I didn’t see. This is a much needed article for people with or without kids! Thank you!

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  • November 11, 2014 at 5:02 pm
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    I’m honestly baffled by the amount of responses about grammar. Take this article for what it is: a funny look at parenthood. The guy isn’t trying to write for the New York Times. Ease up a bit! I was too busy laughing to give the grammar any thought!

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    • November 11, 2014 at 5:05 pm
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      Thanks for the support. To all the others, my wife has already said she will read and correct future posts before i am allowed to post.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 6:42 pm
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    I’m so glad to see I wasn’t the only perfect parent before I had my 2 boys. I think I’m a pretty rocking mom but based on my pre children standards, I suck! Lol great article

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  • November 11, 2014 at 9:26 pm
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    A response to http://www.kzoodad.com/2014/10/7-things-before-kids/ . Now I know this may not sit well with everyone but I am sick and tired of parents using their children as an excuse to be unorganized, unclean and idle. If you disagree, great, if you agree, great, if you don’t have kids yet know that your home and life will not have to pull a 180. It is my opinion that the call is completely up to you and your parenting choices.

    My responses to the “Top 7” list in this article are below what they wrote (and I did edit their grammatical errors).

    Readers beware: I am not looking for “negative Nancy’s.” This is MY opinion, you can have YOURS and that’s okay. Disagreement is not the end of times, but you can be polite in your responses. Oh, and the “every child is different” argument is too easy of a response, try harder.

    7. Then – My children will eat what I cook – I will teach my children to appreciate fine cuisine. They will have expansive pallets and enjoy trying new things as much as I do.
    Now – Please eat. I don’t care what. We have been sitting at this table for over an hour. Please eat something. I long ago gave up on making exciting new dishes. Now I make whatever the kids want if it will just make them eat. Hot dogs and Pop-tarts for every meal? Fine. Just please eat.

    My response: Your children will eat what you give them if that is the only choice you give them. Hunger will prevail over stubbornness. Call me old-school but this plan of action does work, it worked on me (thank you to my parents) and it works for my child. If you want to play “restaurant” and work yourself into frenzy as a short order cook pleasing your “prince/princess” just know you have started a trend that they will “work” at every chance they get. Follow through is everything and it’s never too late to start if you have found yourself in this never ending spiral. My child loves pate, brie, mac and cheese, and lamb chops. She hates soda, cabbage and squash. We, as humans, have different and ever expanding food penchants, if you want theirs to broaden then introduce gently and see what happens! If you are going to feed your child nothing but Pop-Tarts and hotdogs (as this author suggests) you are an appalling parent (in my opinion) who may or may not care for the health of your child and their risk of obesity and diabetes.

    6. Then – My children won’t be lied to – I’m not going to lie to my children. I will be honest with them. I will tell them how things work and won’t dumb things down for them. Knowledge is power; I want them to have it.
    Now – I lie every day. Why can’t we go to McDonalds? It’s closed. Can I have a snack? No it’s almost dinner time (in 4 hours). Can I play with your iPhone? The battery is dead (or I want to play on it). Why? Because I said so. Sometimes a quick lie will save hours of arguments and explanations. Sometimes one lie will get me and hour of quiet, and it’s worth it

    My response: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You have every right as the parent to educate you child as you see fit, but watch out because they do turn in to critical thinking (hopefully) adults. I grant my child plausible deniability with such things as Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy, but I have never lied and said my phone was dead. Why? Because I am the parent and my word is law. If I don’t want her to do something I say no. I don’t have to lie and give a poor example as to how you should treat others. If my child asks “Why can’t we go to McDonalds?” my response isn’t that “it’s closed” it’s that “McDonalds is not a good food option, let’s go to Chick Fil A.” If my child asks to play with my IPhone I simply ask her “are we on an airplane?” because that’s the only time she gets to play on it but I will get into THAT later.

    5. Then – My children won’t eat fast food – The food served to my kids will be organic and healthy. We will take the time to cook good foods and not my children become part of the raging obesity epidemic sweeping the nation.
    Now- Unless you are planning on coming over here to cook, I don’t want to hear it. Also read number 7

    My response: I will start with my thought that most parents don’t want to “poison” their kids with such things as pink slime, but for a long period of time most people didn’t even know about it or other such things. I will admit I do not buy organic anymore due to the sky rocking price of doing things “the old way without pesticides”; but I did when my daughter was younger and I was a paranoid first time parent, but again, the decision falls on you as the adult. You have the choice of saying ‘my kids won’t eat fast food’ by doing one simple thing, NOT BUYING IT FOR THEM. Done; end of sentence; moving on.

    4. Then – My children won’t destroy my things – I won’t allow my children to act like the ruffians I see at playgrounds. My children will know better and will not break things. They will respect their own as well as other people’s property.
    Now – the kids break everything they touch. If they can get near it they can break it. The only things I have left are what are on high shelves. For example my mom bought my kids a snow globe. The girls loved it. They also broke it in less than an hour from receiving it.

    My response: Kids don’t break everything, they will if they are not taught to respect their environment and that of others. I have china, silver and other beautiful things on display in my home (and I even know other parents that have such things out) so I know that not “all” children are out to be wrecking balls. Think back to your childhood, didn’t you have the “room” or “couch” or “things” you weren’t allowed to touch as a child? Well so does mine. My husband and I did tweak items for safety reasons when my daughter became mobile (like clearing off the vase with flowers on the coffee table-something I am still waiting to put back 5 years later but such is life) but we do have ceramic vases, antiques and books out that she knows not to touch. Why? How you ask?! Because we are parents and said “no!” I have taught her respect, I have taught her to not touch without asking and you know what? It wasn’t hard. Give it a go!

    3. Then – My children will play outside. TV will be limited- My children will learn to play outside and the amount of time they spend with TV’s video games and other such electronic devises will be very limited. Their imaginations will be their entertainment fostering a growing imagination and creativity.
    Now – As we watch frozen for the 1,000th time I have to admit I let this one get away from me. Sometimes if the kids are fighting and I turn on the TV i can get 5 minutes of quiet. FIVE interrupted minutes of quiet! When we travel the IPad is a must have item. But some good has come from this, my daughter uses a few learning apps that have been great for her, (she’s reading at four!)

    My response: I have to admit, my child does not play outside unless at school. We bought this great home with a great backyard with grand hopes of watching her with careful eyes from the kitchen or TV room but she is content playing with her puzzles or dinosaurs inside. It’s funny; I think she actually finds ant piles to stand in to get inside the house when gardening with her father. You don’t have to hand them an IPad or Kindle to keep them occupied. You don’t have to have a constant distraction going on because you don’t want to interact with your child or because you have to do laundry (I await the day she can do it for me). Engage them; help them learn how to interact in an activity alone (like puzzles or coloring while music is playing-my daughter is really into big band music this week) or how to help you load the dryer. I know it may take longer but you are teaching them how to live, survive and stay Tide fresh. I have moments (because I work from home part time) that I turn on Sophia or Daniel Tiger, but it is only for 3, 20 minute sessions a day. Remember, you are the adult, you have the power to turn OFF the TV, electronics or when to say enough is enough “get inside and take a bath!” Side note: Good on the author for having a kid reading at 4, isn’t it great! Way to go Dad! 🙂

    2. Then – My children will respect and listen to me – I will teach my children about listening to and respecting adults. My children will not talk back or scream no like those hooligans I saw at the store crying and acting out despite what their mother said. All because she didn’t give them some trinket they wanted.
    Now – The other day I gave a long speech about responsibility, and listening. I talked about good behavior and not being naughty. I was talking to the cat and I think got farther then when I gave the same speech to the kids. When I am less than a foot away they claim they can’t hear me. Excuses like that make me wonder if they are dumb, or just think I am.

    My response: Your children will listen to you if you respect them and they respect you. Go back to my response on number 7, if you give them an inch they will take a mile every chance they get. I mandate that my child listens to me and I do it every day. If you let them get away with the “I didn’t hear you” behavior then shame on you. I may sound militaristic but I am not. My child will listen to me, she will not disrespect me, and she doesn’t because that has been the rule since day one. She knows that I will follow through will my threats of a time out (something that doesn’t really work until about the age of 3 FYI) and that if I need to she will get spanked (and this has happened maybe like 4 times in her life). You have the choice in raising your child to be mindful, respectful and kind to others. The ball is in your court parents.

    1. Then – My children will keep my house clean. – From birth I will teach my children to put things away they will be responsible for their belongings. I am not a maid and won’t clean up after them.
    Now – Yeah I was dumb.

    My Response: LAZY! Yep I said it, lazy. If you can’t clean your house or put things away and then blame your children you are a lazy person who is scapegoating your “darling” children. I am not saying things need to be perfect 24/7 but there is a difference between clean, kept and a total disaster. Look, I know I don’t get invited to people’s homes because I am overly neat (it has been said to me) but don’t give up new or thinking about it parents. I am not filthy rich, I don’t have a maid, I work two jobs and you know what, my home is still cleaner than those who don’t work, have a maid and have zero children. I CHOOSE to have a home that is put away, and you can too! I think having a child has actually made me more OCD when it comes to having a clean and clutter free home since there are behavioral studies showing that children do better in school, use less medication and are better adjusted when in a clutter free environment. And before those of you say “how are you an expert?” I will say that I am actually a cognitive behavior scientist that teaches at a major private university and I am not just some “crazy lady” off the streets. We have taught our daughter to put her things away before bed each night. We have made room in our TV cabinet (to be fair it is quite large) for her things so that it doesn’t look like a crazy baby took over our home. If you want a clean home, that is your choice, don’t “blame the baby.”

    All and all I hope you have read this all the way through with the mindset that I am not attacking just showing my “children will not destroy your life” perspective. I hope that maybe you had a laugh, but most importantly I hope that you have realized that it’s not your children that make the choices in your home, you do. You have the control to say no, you have the legal power to say what’s for dinner. Stand up parents; take back you homes, your dinner tables, your lives.

    I will finish this with a wise quote from my father when my daughter was born: “Remember, she came to live with you, not you with her.”

    Reply
    • November 11, 2014 at 9:37 pm
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      Thanks for cleaning up the grammer. Also just to be clear:

      Joke – something said or done to provoke laughter ; especially : a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist b (1) : the humorous or ridiculous element in something

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      • November 11, 2014 at 10:03 pm
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        Morgan,

        You are a bit of a tool. I’ll type slowly so you can keep up.

        If you are going to storm into Bryan’s cyber home and be self righteous do a proper job of it.

        I know you said your word is law but I have to know if that is because of the “Santa Clause” you referred to.

        Or were you too busy editing to notice your own mistake. Gah, I can’t even read the rest of your self righteous and entitled gibberish.

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        • November 23, 2014 at 2:56 pm
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          Don’t be a jerk, dude. Respect her opinion.

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      • November 12, 2014 at 1:21 am
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        To the lady that justified the article :You just killed the fun of the article I feel bad for your kids if you have any ! Why be so judgmental and a mood killer. No one asked you to share the way you raise your children nor no one cares.you are a tough mom, that’s awesome I will give you a cookie :/

        Being a parent is a hard job and developing loving kids is way harder. If you justify every little act your child does ,God have mercy on them.

        This article is hilarious I enjoyed it and it’s so true . Good job and it’s ok your grammar is good we all learned English at one point 😉

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      • November 12, 2014 at 8:32 am
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        The haters gonna hate hate hate….Shake it off, shake it off….who cares about the grammar and those who take every word you say LITERALLY..you’re a dad, one who is there for his girls, loves them abundantly, allows them to learn without nazi dictatorship-like parenting, allowing for learning, growth, creativity and unstifled self expression within the confines of certain boundaries. One day, you’ll be sitting there looking at your adult daughters, watching in awe at how amazing they turned out…and a large part of that will be because of you and your dedication as a father…I totally get everything you said in your article, I had a list too and have blown it to smithereens and ya know what? My kids are awesome! Despite my imperfect parenting.

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    • November 12, 2014 at 10:25 am
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      I hate to break it to you, but the reason why you’re not invited to people’s houses isn’t because you are neat.

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      • November 23, 2014 at 5:25 pm
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        Revelation! I doubt she will get it though.

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    • November 19, 2014 at 10:17 am
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      Hey Everyone!! The Perfect Parent!! And Educated too!!! Guess what? You’re kids probably hate you. Why?Probably because you are high strung, regimented and NEVER WRONG. Wake up, Morgan. Get a sense of humor. P.S. Better hover over those kids a little closer because the moment you look away, they are going to eat a whole bowl of someone else’s candy. Why? Because you simply said “no”. You are raising fine little soldiers. Gosh, I hope they know better and get some real life experience, foods, and technology behind your back so they can keep up with the rest of the human race.

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    • November 21, 2014 at 8:51 pm
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      You have way too much time on your hands if you have the time to complete a short novel in response to this article, do you even have children?

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    • November 23, 2014 at 2:51 am
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      Morgan,

      I totally agree with you. Parents are lazy and they blame their kids for everything that goes wrong in their lives. If you’re not ready to take on the responsibility that being a parent is, don’t have kids. I am so tired of hearing parents say how hard being a parent is, and still do an awful job at raising their kids. No one is here to judge. You do what you want with your own kids, but if you’re too lazy to get your life together, don’t blame the kids; or better yet, don’t have kids. Maybe we could stop wasting time complaining about parenting, and spend some quality time with our kids instead. A little time to teach them good values.

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    • November 23, 2014 at 2:49 pm
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      Megan: I love this and COMPLETELY agree with you! Nothing I’d change. I see the author’s use if humour, but at the same time I am so sick of parents acting like they’re reinventing the wheel. Learn from mistakes your parents made, but acknowledge that there are PLENTY if things they did right. Think back: what happened if you didn’t eat your (home cooked) food? Broke something? Ignored or spoke back? Demanded ANYTHING? Yup – I thought so … you wouldn’t have DARED. And yes I do have experience. My daughter is 20, VERY much her own person, independent, studying for her B.Sc away from home, budgeting strictly to pay for her own studies, cooks meals at her res/dorm every single night, eats out once a week at most, wouldn’t dream of disrespecting me or any of my things – or herself for that matter. She developed a palate for varied foods early on and actually gets “thirsty” for vegetables if she’s on holiday, for eg., and hasn’t had ready access. She tries any new food – no holds barred. She doesn’t necessarily always like them, but she tries. She watches television as an adult, but selects certain series/documentaries and doesn’t mindlessly watch. Is she perfect? Not at all! She’s pretty awesome, though. We can talk about anything and yet she always knows I’m still her mom and will always have lived longer than her and so know a few more things than her. She does teach me new things, though! I’ve always told her: I am your mother first, your friend second. I have DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY to say no and to guide you when necessary. All this allowing kids to dictate and act like little shits must stop. How on earth are they going to survive in the real world oneday? Or are they going to live at home until they’re 40, keeping all their income for fun stuff and never learning about life? Nothing makes me more annoyed than kids saying they won’t eat “that stuff”. Food is not stuff. Kids need to appreciate every morsel that passes their lips. Respect their parents. Respect other people’s things. Learn to friggin ENTERTAIN themselves. (without iPads or iHaveNoImaginations etc.). Quit making kids into princes and princesses (thanks, Megan!) and do your job: PARENTING! Laziness is no excuse.

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      • November 23, 2014 at 2:55 pm
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        Sorry! Morgan! Not Megan!!!

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    • November 24, 2014 at 1:05 pm
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      Well aren’t you some kind of jumped up self righteous know it all, busy telling the world how wrong they are & how amazing you are?
      In truth all I got from your ‘advice’ was that you totally missed the humorous undertone of the article & don’t have many friends because you have an over inflated ego (i.e. you think it’s because you’re overly neat, your post maybe suggests you’re just not a popular person)
      Also as a side note to you & Karen, you both only have ONE CHILD, you have no idea that all children really are different, I have three (21, 18, & 16) what works for one doesn’t always work for the other, my first child was as text book as it comes & if I would have judged my parenting skills on her alone, I’d be up there with the greatest fathers in history….. however the second came along & showed me from day one that this was not going to be a case of ‘this worked last time so I’ll do it again’ life is not that simple shame on you for thinking it is.

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      • November 28, 2014 at 4:47 am
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        So true Ray – you don’t really understand how different children can be even with the exact same parenting until you have more than one.

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    • November 24, 2014 at 6:31 pm
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      I am a mother to a 4, 3, and 2 year old and 8 months pregnant. I can guarantee my house is cleaner then your house. Our guinea pig cage is probably cleaner then your house. I also became very OCD after my first was born. This is all beside the point. This article was hilarious and accurate. My children are very well rounded they know what a happy meal is just as well as they know chicken marsala florentine. Honestly, as I was reading your post all I could picture was you sitting in your bathroom popping some pill while your husband is out on the town with some other women. Because dear you are a prune…

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    • November 29, 2014 at 11:56 am
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      Damn , you obviously don’t have kids because you have quite a lot of time on your hands to write all that nonsense up.

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    • December 6, 2014 at 2:26 pm
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      Morgan: To reiterate others’ comments, this was a humor piece. I don’t necessarily disagree with each and every one of your opinions, but your comment’s tone compelled me to tell you how pointless your post was in response to an article that was clearly not meant to be taken literally. But now his readers know what a perfect parent you are, so mission accomplished!

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    • December 11, 2014 at 1:36 am
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      Morgan, I would love for you to come to my house and try to keep a clean house! I have a 2yr old and a 6yr old. If I even attempt to fold laundry on my king size bed, my children will climb onto the bed and start throwing the piles off. Should I spank them? For having fun? Solution, I have baskets of clean clothes that sit around and I look for the right time to get it done without distraction. Oh well! I have a sign on a shelf in my livingroom that says “please excuse my messy house, my children are making memories”. I fully believe that! The only day my house is clean is on Sundays when both me and my husband can tackle it together. They don’t break stuff and I do have to yell at them to settle down. But they are children. I’m ok with that!

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  • November 11, 2014 at 10:06 pm
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    Yes, jokingly of course. I just hate that some people think about not having children because their lives would be “turned upside down” as they are but in a good way. Have a wonderful night and p.s. my husband dreams of having your job. Hopefully I will get to a point where he can stay home and enjoy life as you so much seem to!

    Reply
  • Pingback: Brutally accurate. http://www.kzoodad.com/2014/10/7-things-before-kids/

  • November 11, 2014 at 11:14 pm
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    Uhm I was raised that way, healthy dinners, played outside till dark, always respected my parents-never spanked or grounded in my life, never had fast food, hell never had kid cereals till I moved , never broke anything, only thing that came with me on a road trip was crayons and paper, kept the house clean(i remember dusting and vacuuming for my 4th bday party!) Why is this hard for kids today?

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  • November 11, 2014 at 11:40 pm
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    Gracious Morgan, that was a self-congratulating bunch of shit. Kudos for being neat and demanding respect from your child while feeding them the food pyramid. Start your own blog and let the world know how it ought to be done. Or better yet, stop posting “this is just my opinion, don’t take offense” posts that are meant to offend and tear someone else down. This post was funny and in most every case, rings true with parents. Especially us single parents with two jobs.

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  • November 11, 2014 at 11:48 pm
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    Yes, I loathe bad grammar, and pretty much tune someone out if they can’t bother to proofread their work before publishing. If you want to be taken seriously, take a little extra care (and time) in your work.

    But you know what I loathe even more? Judgmental, holier-than-thou assholes who have nothing better to do than worry about other people’s lives. I feel sorrier for their kids than the ones who have the occasional Happy Meal.

    Bryan, keep up the good work (as a dad), and when you get a minute, re-read your damn posts! 😉

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  • November 12, 2014 at 12:04 am
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    I completely understand your list. I have the same exact one. However… I didn’t give up on my kid. I have stuck to my guns on my list. It hasn’t been easy, but nothing worthwhile in this life is. There have been very trying seasons between then and now. My boy is now 11. I NEVER have to worry about taking him anywhere in public because he is respectful to all adults, even now in his lippy pre-adolescent years. He eats whatever I give him and loves trying new foods. His grandparents beg to keep him and fight over him frequently. He does his chores (although reminding is a necessity), including laundry, mowing, and occasionally cooking dinner. He works hard in school and loves it. He is creative and inventive. Don’t get me wrong. I am no “book parent”. I didnt make his baby food and I used disposable diapers. I don’t buy organic. I’m not a hype parent. I chose my list carefully based on horrible behaviors I observed in my friends’ children. I vowed never to have a kid like that. It has worked. I stuck to my guns. There is one additional list item that is worth mentioning since it is at the TOP of my list and has always been a non-negotiable. My husband and I pray with our son every. Single. Day. From the day he was born until about 10 minutes ago, this habit has been a daily practice. I cannot take full credit for the awesomeness of our son. I do recognize that consistent predictability is pivotal for behavior development, but GOD get the credit for this kid. He is simply amazing. Maybe it’s not too late to revisit that list of yours…. Just some advice from a success story. Don’t be the parent everyone models thier parenting to NOT be.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 1:28 am
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    I thought I had clicked a link to kzoodad’s witty blog on what it’s like to be a dad- in his world. Clearly I was mistaken because I’m pretty certain I just read some rather ridiculous diatribes written by Ms. T and Morgan. Ladies, it might be time for you to start your own blogs so that you may stop hijacking this one.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 7:02 am
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    Two things:
    This- http://arnoldzwicky.s3.amazonaws.com/ChuckErrors.jpg (it’s a cartoon. Sorry for the link, I can’t share photos in a comment)

    And too, too funny, how worked up people get over these kinds of “issues”. Nobody feeds their kids hotdogs and poptarts ALL THE TIME. Good grief people, relax. Learn to read critically. It’s meant to be humor. And an occasional “crappy” meal, whether it’s hotdogs or McDonalds won’t harm your kids, especially if it’s well-balanced with healthy foods.

    We all have our parenting quirks. If your kid is a perfect little soldier who NEVER EVER acts out… well I honestly feel sorry for him or her, because he or she probably doesn’t feel secure enough to act out. Sad.

    I will be the FIRST to admit my kids are not perfect. lol Or, I should say, were not perfect. They’ve been through their share of bumps and temper tantrums. It’s called learning. They threw temper fits, and learned Mom and Dad wouldn’t give in to their fits. And, eventually, they learned that there were more effective ways to express themselves and interact.

    Now that they’re teens… well they’re darn near as perfect as a pair of kids can get. (THAT is humor, for those who are lacking a sensitivity for it.)

    They’re good kids. They’re not jerks, to me or to others. They have empathy and compassion, and are the first to stand up for a friend, or anyone who’s getting picked on. I have made a LOT of mistakes on my journey, but luckily, my kids have turned out to be pretty resilient. We still have a long way to go on this journey… 17 and 14 are not grown (though they often THINK they are!)

    We’ll get there. And we’ll enjoy the journey, together. 🙂

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    • November 12, 2014 at 8:08 am
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      Thank you for getting the joke. Too many people are taking it WAY too seriously. Thanks for reading.

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      • November 22, 2014 at 11:13 am
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        Whenever someone starts a parenting diatribe (or even offers advice) with a variation of “All you need to do to get your kid to [insert contentious issue here] is…..” they are leaving out the most crucial factor: individual temperament. I suspect that the most pedantic, insufferable and pretentious prigs are the ones with children who have naturally compliant temperaments.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 8:53 am
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    THEN: [regarding this blog] I will only post carefully-proofread articles that don’t contain a ton of spelling errors and poorly formed sentences.

    NOW: Meh.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 10:07 am
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    Thanks! Really funny and esoterically precise. Number 5… You have to have kids to understand that. Frozen 1000t times? I knew I was not alone. My best wishes for you and your family.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 10:31 am
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    The grammar errors made the article even better. As a single parent with two very young children half the time I can barely spell my own name. Don’t read negative reviews! They will tear you down when anyone with any kind of humor would get that this is all in fun. Great job and I look forward to reading more.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 10:35 am
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    Morgan, you have ONE child. May I suggest you re-enter the conversation after adding one or two more kids to your family, then you’ll be more “qualified” to post your self-righteous tripe.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 10:56 am
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    In all this hit the nail on the head. I have 3 babies all 1 year and under. My boys (twins 20months) they sit at the table and eat their food because they don’t have any other choice. However, everything else you brought up I absolutely agree with. Before I got pregnant with my boys I babysat a set of twin boys and I remember seeing them at the store and saying there’s no way I’ll ever let mine act l that. Lol now between my boys and my 9 month old daughter We’re lucky to make it through a grocery stop with our sanity. At this point I really feel like if someone doesn’t have kids they should probably just keep their mouths shut lol.

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  • November 12, 2014 at 11:04 am
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    My husband and I are expecting our first child in January, and we’re terrified we are going to screw up in 1,000 ways we self-righteously proclaimed we wouldn’t pre-kids. Thanks for the reassurance that the world won’t end if we do, and the laugh!!

    As a side note, are there a lot of other parents who are as self-righteous and annoying as the ones (you know the ones) appearing in your comment section? If so, note to self: stay away from the “Best Mommy/Daddy In Show” folks who evidently live to judge other parents. Good grief, people, get a sense of humor!

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  • November 12, 2014 at 12:28 pm
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    As SAHM of two boys. I checked off each and everyone of them….. Lol! Parenting is the hardest job out there and each parent has there child’s best interest at heart and our unique ways of parenting is what makes it all so special. No one’s opinion or judgement is needed. Kudos!

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  • November 12, 2014 at 12:35 pm
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    Awesome. 🙂

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  • November 12, 2014 at 12:37 pm
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    This was an interesting post to me! I am a mother of four and grandmother to eight children now. My grammar is terrible, so I do not even notice other peoples mistakes, so I am not posting about that aspect of the post. I just found the way people responded to some comments to be interesting.
    I wonder if this post is funnier when you have the same parenting style? I think that, maybe, Morgan took it all too seriously because the problems that are funny to most here, seem self inflicted to her, and sort of sad. Our children were raised starting in 1976- and the last graduated from highschool in 2004. Perhaps parenting styles are more permissive and less authoritative now than then, but the way Morgan suggested doing things seemed common sense and normal to me. The way she suggested, to some degree, was how everyone I was associated with parented, or at least they tried. I wonder if it is her strict attitude that offends some people, seems too controlling, too know it all? I will give her the benefit of doubt and just think that because what she does, is working for her, she just wanted to share her success and help others. I do believe it is good for small children to have limits and boundaries set, and as they mature to give more control to the child, going towards giving total control to the young adult. Sometimes too much control creates children who have to rebel or break free or have some eating disorder etc.
    Although I agree with some of Morgan’s philosophy, I believe that there are as many right ways to parent as there are parents, and that most all children will turn out fine no matter how the parent chose, or in spite of what they chose, or what mistakes they made! I couldn’t live with all the chaos of mess, noise and crying of children who get their way from doing so make, but it doesn’t bother some parents so much, so, to each his own way!

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    • November 17, 2014 at 9:28 am
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      Interesting take, Maureen, but I’ve got to say I think the problem wasn’t so much the “stricter” parenting style that offended, as the tone of the response; the “My way is better and you’re obviously a terrible parent” attitude came across strong.

      I don’t think that parents are more permissive today- I think they’re less controlling. There is a difference. Parenting HAS shifted. It’s shifted from raising kids in a rigid, authoritative environment, to parenting through relationship, and offering our kids respect rather than demands. On a lot of levels, I believe this is a healthier approach.

      That’s not to say there’s not merit in discipline. You’re right, some parents do take it too far, and allow their kids too much leeway, which results in unhappy, ill adjusted, unmannerly kids. I think that, for the most part, parents today are like this author, who put the time in, and have fun with their kids, and don’t worry overmuch about some goofy play slipping in to their parenting style. They don’t demand perfection of themselves, or of their kids, and our kids are happier for it.

      I’m sure you’d find my parenting style very “lax”, but you would also find that my kids are courteous and respectful toward their peers and elders, empathetic and kind hearted almost to a fault. Those were the majors that I majored on. Personal responsibility is also important to us, and they know if they make poor choices, they have to live with the results. And, if they make good choices, they reap the rewards.

      IMHO, as long as kids understand societal boundaries and are able to function effectively, hold a job, and get along with others, you’re doing parenting right, whether you let them eat only organic foods, or they get poptarts and hotdogs on occasion. Every child, every family, and every parent is different, and if we’re going to teach our kids respect, we need to start showing it to one another.

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  • November 18, 2014 at 2:25 pm
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    I tend to agree with Morgan’s take on parenting, and it doesn’t mean that she’s not having fun with her daughter, or that her daughter is missing out. It means she has a home where there are boundaries and consequences, positive and negative. Missing out on what anyways? Missing out on destroying what has been provided, missing out on being lied to about things that could be easily dealt with if Dad had the balls, missing out on tantrums and fits that could be prevented, missing out on trying new healthy foods vs an array of junk food, being entertained by technology rather than learning to play, which is considered learning in the early childhood years, choosing to disrespect her elders which is really helpful when they begin school, where there are authority figures everywhere. Parents are leaving these responsibilities up to their daycare providers, and schools when it should start at home. I guess cleaning up your language,once you had kids, didn’t make it to your list.

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    • November 18, 2014 at 2:34 pm
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      Thanks for reading, and sorry if my grammar mistakes offended you. I asure you i am working in it.

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      • November 18, 2014 at 10:23 pm
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        I was actually not referring to your grammar, but the need to use foul language in the title of a parenting article. The two don’t mix in my world.

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    • November 19, 2014 at 7:29 pm
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      I would strongly suggest a visit to The Mama Bear Effect’s page. She has quite a bit to say about teaching kids respect for authority while retaining their sense of self confidence. Teaching mindless obedience in the guise of “respect for authority” is setting our kids up as prey for predators and child abusers.
      (and, you’ll find that her language is squeaky clean.)

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  • November 19, 2014 at 2:19 pm
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    As a parent with a strong relationship with my husband, we have agreed on how to deal with issues like these and many others and have been generally successful in our unified action plans. A lot of these “now” results are often lack of communication on how to deal with these issues between the parents and some of them just seem like pure laziness and caving to the kids to make your life easier. That’s really nothing to be proud of. It can still be fixed though.

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  • November 19, 2014 at 2:35 pm
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    Thank you to everyone for reading. I have never had a post seen by as many people as this one. I do have to say, I am shocked by how many people didn’t get the joke. This isn’t meant to be serious, and I admit there is rampant exaggeration though out. Why? Because that is what I find funny. For those who got it, thank you for laughing with me. For those who didn’t I’m sorry. I promise to keep trying (and proofreading) and will hopefully make you laugh next time. If I can give you some advice, get off your soapbox and learn to laugh. Live is so much better when you can just laugh.

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    • November 23, 2014 at 11:04 am
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      Best laugh I’ve had since the five year old “styled” his hair with toothpaste this morning.

      But, as a mom of four, I gotta say, I think you’re winning at this parenting thing: you haven’t yet resorted to eating hot dogs and poptarts yourself!

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  • November 19, 2014 at 2:52 pm
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    This is such a cute and funny article! Very true and relatable.. People need to relax on the grammar and title comments. People will find any reason to be negative! 🙂

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  • November 19, 2014 at 5:17 pm
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    Awesome post man! I am the Dad of two little girls as well. I have the SAME problem with getting my 3 year old to eat. She has insane amounts of energy and will often times refuse to eat! However, I have developed an awesome method that works EVERY time and it’s not because I am an awesome Dad, I just want her to eat her EFFING BROCCOLI! Here’s what I do:

    After i finish the dinner my wife has graciously made and my daughter has now sat for 20 minutes doing everything but eat, I give one warning some where along the lines of this: “Eat your dinner or I’m going to eat your push pop.” at first she might think you are kidding.

    Then, when that has no effect (it wont, they will think you are kidding) I go to the freezer grab her Orange Flintstones Push Pop, sit down and let her see it.

    She will undoubtedly smile and think you are somehow going to give to her or are still kidding. That’s when you slowly begin to unwrap it and take a small bite – she wont like that and might take her first bite of broccoli.

    This is when she realizes you are serious and the negotiations begin.

    Her: “ok ok, I eat this much (a few bites she sets aside) and you give it to me!”
    Me: “No, eat all of it!” Take another bite of her dessert
    Her: Panic Sets in and she starts eating, after a few bites she says “All done!” and reaches for the dessert.
    Me: I take a another delicious bite and let her know just how good it is and NO she is not done.
    Her: At this point, it might as well be broken glass on her plate, she is eating now with a purpose.
    Me: The bites become smaller as I am getting near the end of the dessert.
    Her: She finishes the last of her vegetables and reaches out for her well earned dessert.
    Me: I hand her the remaining 15% of the push pop which she is glad to receive at all at that point.

    So that’s my story. Is it manipulative? yes. Is it effective? YES! I am also a little fatter these days. Good luck and enjoys those babies.

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  • November 20, 2014 at 8:30 pm
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    Grammar police and people with no sense of humor aside, I love it. So very true. I have three boys and a boy or girl on the way (though I’m convinced my body is incapable of producing anything other than boys) and all are true. Keep up the great work!

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  • November 20, 2014 at 9:09 pm
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    Having raised 3 kids and sucessfully got 1 in the NAVY and the other 2 in college… This seriously made me laugh. I felt very judges by my siblings whom didnt have children at the time but now do and I am having a ball watching them go through every thing I went through even though I know they were saying ‘not going to be kids’ lmao…. #karma #KidsAreKids

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  • November 21, 2014 at 2:19 am
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    Oh man, this is funny. And the comments responding to the crazies make it even better. Thanks for the laughs! And please don’t feel bad about your grammar… My husband has the same problem. It’s your own blog. Write however you want!

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  • November 21, 2014 at 11:52 am
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    As a SAHM I find this hilarious, yes we all bend a bit on something but to criticize a man who has found humor in parenting because he doesn’t do things the way you do is rude. Makes you wonder about how you yourself was raised! I’ve had to bend on a lot, I’m a SAHM not because I want to be but because my health is so bad I couldn’t work if I wanted. My kids eat what my 9 yr old can make some days because I can’t walk to the stove and stand there long enough to cook. She’s my huge helper and some days I hate it, she shouldn’t have to feed her sister! But my husband works and at least they are eating even if its cereal or frozen waffles! It’s not a daily thing, I do cook for them just not as often as I’d like. I think he’s doing a great job, a great parent knows their flaws. He chose to use humor to express himself! I do that often too!

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  • November 22, 2014 at 11:15 am
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    LOVE this post…. It so very accurate for me and many parents, I’m sure! Even better though are the insanely long comments trying to deny each number with what parents SHOULD do. It’s amazing to see in the comments how perfect some parents are!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  • November 23, 2014 at 12:40 am
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    Totally understand where you are coming from!!
    I am a Stay at Home mom with 2 boys under 4 and I’m self employed, running an in home business. People need to relax and take a joke! Obviously, he’s not literally going to feed his daughters pop tarts & hot dogs for every meal.. Before & After having kids, I believe every parent has their child’s health at a top priority. But in the middle of the every day hustle, getting out the door, (Or in my case, getting my boys settled with an activity or into bed for nap before a client shows up) I admit to taking a few short cuts. There were times I haven’t given them a completely balanced meal, or exactly the right discipline to correct a tantrum simply because life also has a schedule. And if I spent the amount of time that it took to deal with every little thing until it was completely solved, I would never get to work! or anywhere else for that matter. I think what he was trying to say is that sometimes parenthood throws a curve ball, and no one sees it coming until their own child throws it. It takes experiencing it yourself as a parent with a child that YOU are connected to. Not some person online telling you that your children should act just like their children. I believe that I am a good mom, who cooks very healthy meals, and we exercise discipline to the point where I have two very well mannered, respectful little boys who respect our house and keep it clean. But guess what?? We’ve also watched Frozen at least 500 times but we’ve probably read 5,000 bed time stories!! It’s ok to have a different parenting style than someone else. We don’t all have the same personalities and neither do our children. Good for you Kzoodad! Maybe tomorrow will be a less Chaotic day! (And maybe it wont (: )

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  • November 23, 2014 at 8:25 am
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    You are so correct in all you’ve said! I had a great laugh! Cheers!

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  • November 23, 2014 at 10:54 am
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    I adore this! Tickled me to death. Commenters: stop parent shaming! If your kid eats broccoli, good for you. Anyone who says they haven’t “cheated” as a patent is a liar. Sometimes the kids meals are just what’s up.

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  • November 23, 2014 at 11:07 am
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    I approach this article from different viewpoints. I am a parent and I am also a preschool teacher. I see the results of bad and lazy parenting everyday. The kids who are at school from 630am to 630 pm are the crazy kids in my classroom. Kids who are allowed to run their home and their parents try to run my classroom. I don’t allow it and they figure out fast that the teacher is the boss, not them. Parents who replace quality time with electronics create kids who do not have healthy social emotional development. The parents who don’t help their children with homework or read to them at home are setting their child up for academic failure. School is so rigorous now, kids are expected to read by the middle of Kindergarten. I realize you wrote this article to be funny, but it highlights a huge problem in our society. Parents work too much, are too busy, and the kids pay the price for it.

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    • November 23, 2014 at 12:35 pm
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      Seriously, you teach PRESCHOOL and you know about homework?

      And do you go home with these parents every day, so you see their parenting first hand, ya? Nevermind that kids sometimes have different temperaments, and that those very kids who are “crazy” and “trying to run” your classroom may be the ones whose parents are commenting here about how their kids would never be allowed to have hotdogs or poptarts or McPoison. Some kids are crazy when they’re out of parental range because they’re too tightly controlled. Some kids have a different personality, and that kid who looks “out of control” to you may be creative and not have found the proper outlet yet to release their energy. Maybe he or she has ADHD. Maybe they’re on the Autism spectrum. You have no way of knowing any of that, because you’re not with that child in their home environment.

      So glad none of my kids’ preschool teachers had such judgmental attitudes.

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    • November 23, 2014 at 10:54 pm
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      Kids are individuals. My 4 year old is beloved by his preschool teacher and raves about how polite and well behaved he his. Well, that’s the way he has been since the day he was born. My second will start preschool next year and I’m a little nervous about the reaction the same teacher will have about him. He’s a “passionate” little guy. And when I say passionate, I really mean crazy. They both came from the same womb, have had similar parenting and have polar opposite personalities. It’s just the way life is. It’s hard to judge how one’s home life is simply by a few personality traits of a toddler.

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      • November 26, 2014 at 10:58 pm
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        Same here!! My 4 year old daughter is perfect little student in pre school (although she’s not exactly like that at home!!) But I’ve already warned her teacher that little brother is coming next year and he’s not at all like his sister! Lol

        Funny article!!!! It’s a shame so many people are this uptight!

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  • November 23, 2014 at 10:42 pm
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    Thanks for the laugh tonight. With my first kiddo, I was actually convinced that he was such a great kid because I was such a great parent as so many other people posting on here seem to believe about their children as well. Slept great, ate all the healthy things I gave him, was kind and gracious. My second child put me in my place. And I’m thankful for it. Thank you for making us all feel a little bit more “normal”. Whatever that is.

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  • November 24, 2014 at 11:53 am
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    This is too funny and so true! I think back to a couple of weeks before my son (first child) was born. Was in a restaurant with my husband and my Mom. A couple of kids in the booth next to us were creating a ruckus. Once the family had left, my husband calmly announces that when HIS future children would go to a restaurant, they would be well behaved and not disturb other people. My Mom actually started laughing at him. Yeah, been there, done that, got the T-shirt (but it’s in the laundry somewhere). Awesome post!

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  • November 24, 2014 at 12:29 pm
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    Wonderful, funny, upbeat read! Keep it up Dad!

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  • November 24, 2014 at 12:52 pm
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    Not to be mean. .. but after maybe the first five comments id like to say since when did this man’s adventures of being a parent turn into a spelling/grammar party. .. Um last i checked its about things you wanted to do with kids verses what actually happens i read what i read for a reason not to act as a critic… we are not his publisher. .. now off that note. .. i believe i do all of this because my daughter is such a pain when it comes to cleaning eating playing on my phone etc…this was funny. . I loved it thank you for sharing

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  • November 24, 2014 at 2:43 pm
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    I LOVED this piece! I can totally relate. We had so many ideas before my son was born (especially about food) and now when I look back it is very funny.

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  • November 24, 2014 at 5:37 pm
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    Easy fix: Don’t have kids. Dumbass.

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  • November 24, 2014 at 5:47 pm
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    Great article, thank you for the laughs! As a SAHM it’s nice to have a reminder that I’m not the only one not living up to my own pre-child expectations of perfect parenting!

    I have to say the shaming in some comments makes me wince. Morgan, I think the strong reaction to your post is a result of your hurtful judgemental tone, and not your parenting style. I also want to say that many psychologists (including myself) would disagree with your sentiments.

    Children learn by example more than anything, and treating others respectfully is a far better way to teach your child to be respectful than demanding it from him or her. I believe kzoodad is teaching his children how to humbly admit to mistakes, laugh at them, learn from them, and move on with life. Good for him!!!! What a great lesson!

    Your closing remark made me sad. It’s not an either-or situation, you entering your children’s life or they entering yours. You enter each others’ lives, and there is room for mutual influence. Please remember that they didn’t choose to enter yours but you did choose to have them. It’s not a competition for control.

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  • November 25, 2014 at 4:32 am
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    Yeppers, you live long enough, you will make mistakes and be grateful those mistakes didn’t detrimentally harm you or yours. We all strive to be the “best” parent. We bake cupcakes. We are there for awards. Try to make it to those teacher parent conferences because God knows we need to be there but seriously, how many of our parents showed up to these things? How many were PTA members? Mine weren’t and I still graduated from high school with a part time job and went on to put myself through college. The fact that my parents didn’t read to me every night didn’t make me suffer. We don’t come with a pamphlet and neither do our kids. Do the best that you can do to do the best that you can do and it will hopefully work out accordingly

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  • November 25, 2014 at 7:34 am
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    this is of course a fun read but actually i cant agree with the list in some points.

    i am father of a son who will be 5 in three months

    regarding food: I cook fresh and mostly organic nearly every day. My son eats everything we cook, no matter if its Tofu or meat, vegetables like broccoli or olives, feta cheese and whatever… he eats everything.
    the other day i made a joke about fish sticks… he didnt understood it cause he didnt know what fish sticks are… he eats every kind of fresh fish, never had fish sticks. He has never been to a McDonalds or any similar junk food place. we got out for a pizza or french fries on special occasions but the couple of burgers he ate in his life were all self made at home. This is absolutely a matter of education of your kids taste.
    as a baby we always cooked his food ourself and never bought any baby meals. he always joins us in the kitchen while cooking and taste stuff raw to find out about taste.

    regarding TV/outside playtime: we watched full movies like frozen about 2-3 times in his entire life. maximum TV time is 30 minutes a day. the rest is playing inside or outside. This is a matter of your rules not choice of the kids! We give him self made TV-tickets. He can “pay” for TV time with it. watching all at once or saving them up for more short stuff. parking your kids in front of TV to have your quite time instead of letting them play out in the garden or reading them stories or whatever spending time with them, is your own fault not theirs nor the TV set. We dont watch TV a lot ourselves so we won’t teach it to our kid.

    regarding breaking stuff: untill the age of 3 kids cant understand how to use things properly, so if you dont want your stuff get broken dont let them get it. later its just a matter of educating your kids to a respectful working with things. of course some stuff break by maximum play fun, of course sometimes stuff breaks because he throws it in anger but that also counts for myself. stuff breaks not only in kids hands. But showing him always how to use stuff properly made him using my CD-player, my laptop or iphone, even sharp knives in the kitchen very responsible.

    regarding lies: humans lie, every day to every one… its just small lies to make things easier but we all do it no matter if its to our kids, parents,, friends or boss…
    but i never lie about stuff like “can i have sweets” – “can i use your iphone” … if its a No! because i dont want it, or because you already had enough, there is no lie necessary. thats nothing i need to lie about but it’s also not an issue because it’s more important not to lie about serious topics.

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    • November 25, 2014 at 7:48 am
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      With all due respect… One child under five does not qualify you to know what you’re talking about. Come back in 10 years when you’ve got teenagers. Seriously. All of us who used to hold tight to those lofty views and express them at every opportunity will share the crow pie. And good luck. lol

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  • November 25, 2014 at 1:46 pm
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    I was a single mother on a limited budget so yes they ate what I cooked and soon learned either do that or do without with some exceptions, such as seafood, onions, sweet potatoes and for my son gumbo. If they would rather sit hours rather than eat it then I would say they really didn’t like it. They were not children who broke things, I was lucky. I have step-children now who break everything….everything. But as for everything else yes it is true lol. I also could not afford fast food. I did it the old fashioned way. No hand outs, no free rent, no food stamps.

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  • November 25, 2014 at 3:11 pm
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    I have noticed that this is true in many households. I grew up in Ukraine and have been in US for 16 years. I think it depends on how you raise your kids and the culture. We had to eat whatever we had. We were never hungry but didn’t have much toys,which led to more outside time and using creativity. I don’t remember breaking anything important but we didn’t have much stuff because of economy. If we received a gift, we were very careful with it because it was important and rare occasion. It think it’s possible to do in US but would take a lot of time and planning, which many parents choose not to do because they want nice house/car and lots of stuff. Hope this helps!

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  • November 25, 2014 at 5:51 pm
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    Regarding some of the comments above. I think that every parent has this list. It might not be the same list. I was going to make my own baby food and have my kids eat the prescribed amount of vegetables. For our oldest, for the first go with solid food, I had green beans all ready. We tried to force it down until he actually vomited up the green beans. The closest thing he would eat to vegetables were Gerber yams. With our youngest, we have to go out for cheeseburgers at least 3 times a week or he will starve to death. His only protein is cheeseburgers. Literally.

    I went to lunch with my in-laws, and my nephew was hitting away at his plate with chopsticks. AND HIS PARENTS WERE DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT. I was horrified. I told my wife we would never be them. And now I reflect on the first time I went to a restaurant and someone told me to “control my kids.” Being from the South, I almost asked him to step outside.

    We have been good about resisting television… except our kids have figured out how to get on the computer and play video games online. At least they have developed good search skills. People make plans. God laughs.

    As a parent, you don’t just thrown your hands up in the air, but you are picking the lesser of two evils all the time. And that’s ok. Because having a frustrated parent does not serve the child any better. The things that are really really import to you, you can manage. And all of the other stuff, you learn to compromise.

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  • November 25, 2014 at 8:29 pm
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    It takes dedication and lots more time & effort, but this list, or whatever list you have, CAN be kept. So far, I’ve been successful in all the goals I set years ago, but I have to be intentional with everything everyday. It’s commitment. Glad to see there are others on these comments who feel the same way. These kids will be my kid’s peers…

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  • November 26, 2014 at 12:01 am
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    I hardly ever read people’s responses to articles or blogs I read. But for some reason I went through everyone’s comments on this one. Wow. It was just a fun blog entry friends. Reminds me of the time I (jokingly) told some other preschool mommies that I didn’t read to my son because there just wasn’t enough sex and violence in his books. And no, they didn’t get the joke. And no they never became my friends because they were incredibly boring. Love your blog. Nice to see a real, normal family conquering life’s incredible struggles with humor and obviously great love.

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  • November 26, 2014 at 8:20 am
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    Dude, great read. Yes, your grammar sucks (I’m a huge grammar nazi, bad grammar gives me a headache), but I can overlook it in this great post.

    As a single father of a 3 year old, who works 60 hours a week to provide for my son, there are so many things I wanted to be able to do as a parent that just don’t seem important now. I wanted to have the perfectly behaved child, I wanted to have a child that would eat everything and anything I cooked. I wanted to keep him away from a tv, and keep him outside where I played as a kid.

    Nowadays, if my kid happens to spend a Saturday in front of the tv watching cartoons…cool. I get a day to relax, and he gets to do something he doesn’t do much, watch tv.

    If I decide I’m too tired to cook, and bring home a giant bucket of fried chicken or a happy meal, oh well, never hurt me as a kid to eat a little junk food now and then.

    My son is very well behaved in public, that I will say. That’s always been one thing I don’t tolerate. When we’re out in public (particularly at a restaurant or grocery store), he better be a perfect little soldier. It took a long time to teach him, but it worked.

    He respects boundaries, doesn’t touch things without asking, is gentle with other people’s children and belongings. But, he slips on occasion. He’s a kid. We can all hope for the perfect kid, but they don’t exist. I only hope for my son to be a better kid than I was (I was a nightmare, and I’m surprised my parents didn’t sell me to the milkman like they always threatened).

    It’s simple, do your best as a parent. Whether that means being militaristic, or erring on the hippie side of things, doesn’t matter . If you think you’re doing it right, you probably are.

    And don’t ever take advice from those model parent types who think their kids’ shit don’t stink. Those are the ones that end up with douchebag teenagers that we all as parents want to smack upside the head.

    Keep on keepin’ on brother. Enjoy your kids’ childhood, it won’t last long enough.

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  • November 26, 2014 at 9:18 am
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    I SO needed to laugh as hard as I just did! Thank you! I have two kids, 4 & 8, and still smile inwardly whenever I catch bits of conversation (or direct sanctimonious advice) from non-parents and/or soon-to–be parents that sound like your “thens”! I remember those carefree days of know-it-allness 😉 Too, too funny.

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  • November 26, 2014 at 9:48 am
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    We have seven kids aged 7 to 17. Reading this article cracked me up! I stayed home with them until they all went to school(working night jobs) and I have to admit that humour has made it much easier to deal with things.

    Our house is messy, on the verge of being dirty everyday (9 people live here, it can’t be a museum!), but the kids are healthy, happy and thriving.

    As for the food issues, I’ve always eaten healthy (grew up with a large garden), so the kids have generally eaten healthy. Have they indulged in junk food once in a while? Yup. Do they attack the junk food bowls when we go visit somewhere? Yes, they are piranhas! Lol

    Keep your humour my friend, soon enough they will be heading off to college (gulp) and you’ll the craziness. 😉

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  • November 26, 2014 at 1:32 pm
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    I’m so tired of hearing parents gripe constantly about how hard it is to parent. Cry me a river, life in general is hard. I get it… you are such a special person… you’re better than me… your tiredness is so much tireder than my tiredness . Come on, if it’s so horrible and challenging why do you keep having kids?

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    • November 26, 2014 at 3:45 pm
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      Chad a word of advice if you dont want to read about stuggles with kids you are so in the wrong place.

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  • November 27, 2014 at 11:48 am
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    Just loved this post. As a mom with 3 kids I can totally relate. Well written, engaging and kind of feels like most of it was a narration of my daily chaos.

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  • November 27, 2014 at 1:43 pm
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    Funny but disagree with every single point. How about we say no to our kids every once in a while instead?

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  • November 28, 2014 at 10:05 am
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    Funny list, but sorry, this is lazy parenting.

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  • November 28, 2014 at 7:42 pm
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    I like your list. But I agree with the last few posts. You’re just lazy. I said those things before kids, and 3 years later, they still apply. Man up.

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  • November 29, 2014 at 7:35 am
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    The problem with raising kids is that from a very young age it’s the corporate media that has at least as much influence over our childrens’ mindset and attitudes as their parents, if not more. Advertising and product marketing dominate our culture and their primary target is young minds, which are the most malleable. You aren’t raising your own children as much as Wall Street is. And there’s nothing you can do about it, short of getting rid of your TV and Internet, moving to the middle of nowhere and home schooling your kids. But you wouldn’t want to. Few would. So the next time your kids don’t listen to you and prefer to be texting their friends or demand Big Macs rather than a healthy home oooked meal, reflect upon where all that’s coming from. It’s probably not you. It’s coming from the people who are really raising your kids.

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  • November 29, 2014 at 9:03 pm
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    Enjoyed your article…Loved your honestly. You have learned to not sweat the small stuff! Congratulations! Your article was intended to entertain and it did entertain me. One word of advice to add…don’t lie to your kids….not even on the little stuff…or they will lie to you! It’s so important to be truthful and be an example to them in this way.

    From the mother of three truthful young adults…and one 7 year old in in training to be truthful!

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  • November 30, 2014 at 7:38 am
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    Well- I dont know how i ended up reading this but skimmed your article and then read the responses for about an hour. your article is hilarious and truth in my life. my son was only going to eat organic blah blah blah blah, i can’t put on frozen because my little girl screams the songs in her horrendous singing voice. (that was a christmas gift but there was a storm day and i didnt know what to do with them). I am an educated person child and youth care 2 years, psychology 4 years, education 2 years… I’m an experienced mom am basically an expert on raising children but yet here i am on the same boat as you… know why? cause I’m an expert. I know that the children of those who are dictators will end up working for our children ;). and if you feel you need to correct my spelling or grammar.. waste your time cause i honestly dont care about that when I have children to take care of and work to do.
    Great post I’ll be looking for more from you! 😀 Tina

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  • November 30, 2014 at 11:31 am
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    Leave the man alone. The article is funny and really very truthful. I raised three kids and each of them are very different. They did not like the same things and made their opinions known. Dinner was served every night and we always ate at the kitchen table. The time you spend with your kids at dinner should be more about finding out how their day went, do they have homework, what was interesting to them and did someone make an impact with something they said that they thought was just brilliant.

    I loved to cook dinner and to feed my family well. My two oldest liked just about everything that was placed on the dinner table. The youngest had a thing about texture and was not forced to eat anything. She is now 22 and has a great appreciation for different food and doesn’t seem to have the same texture thing going on, as she did when she was younger.

    Kids will not starve themselves by not eating the things they don’t like. I fixed liver and onions one night and the youngest said it was the best steak she had ever had….didn’t touch the onions but liked the liver. Who knew?

    I found out pretty quickly that no matter what you feed them, as long as they are healthy, some what happy and are not a little monster out to hurt others just for the fun of it, life is just too freaking short to try and control everything in their lives.

    Thats my 2 cents and it worked for us.

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  • November 30, 2014 at 11:32 pm
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    The only one I disagree with is lying to your kids. My son doesn’t always accept a simple “no” or a reasoned out answer as to why he can’t have something, but I do my best not to lie to my children. I don’t want them doing it to me, so I don’t do it to them. But everything else, I totally get it! Please son, watch TV while I do some dishes or laundry. Chicken nuggets for lunch 3 days in a row, awesome. Haha…good article!

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  • December 1, 2014 at 12:15 am
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    I loved this, thought it was way funny. People, my goodness you are judgmental. . I feel bad for your kids, and the people who have to be around you and your kids. Have you never heard the expression “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? I’m sure your kids won’t have that common sense of respect either. Seriously, The world doesn’t need more of that.. just rude. you are doing a good job with your kids. Don’t let these arrogant people get you down, they only have 1 kid and don’t know how to take a joke.

    I did not proof read and I honestly don’t give a crap any way. 😀

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  • December 1, 2014 at 5:18 pm
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    Pardon my schadenfreude, but thank you for reminding me why I had a vasectomy in my 20s. Childfree and loving it!

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  • December 1, 2014 at 9:09 pm
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    Hilarious! I was the first of eight siblings to have children and it was pretty funny to see how their parenting ideals drastically changed after they had children of their own. I think it’s awesome that you get to be a stay at home dad!

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  • December 2, 2014 at 4:10 pm
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    Read this as I sat here watching my kids eat their happy meals. You know, happily. I have two special needs sons and I can’t even describe how judgmental other parents are, though it seems you got a fair share of the alpha parents to comment on your post. 🙂 It’s been a tough day here, so your blog was much appreciated. I needed a good chuckle!

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    • December 2, 2014 at 4:18 pm
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      I am glad you got a chuckle. That is honestly all I wanted. To make a few people laugh. Thanks.

      Reply
  • December 2, 2014 at 10:56 pm
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    I remember, like it was yesterday, how my husband and I (when we were expecting our son) were explaining to my parents (of 8 children, by the way) exactly how our child will be raised. We didn’t leave out a thing. We covered what he would eat, and when he would eat. We would not allow any bribery ( a cookie if you’re good at the grocery store). We included the properly behaved children he would play with. How far he would excel before kindergarten. We flapped our gums, I’m sure, to a point where my parents just agreed with us ( and later when our presence was not there, peed themselves laughing) and bit their tongues knowing we had to realize, on our own, this was not a reality. Once we did realize, that what we set out to accomplish, was not a reality, and admitted to my parents, our defeat, is when they fessed up that they already knew where our original goal was headed. They didn’t want to “burst our bubble” when we told them our grand plans. They knew we needed to go through the journey.

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  • December 2, 2014 at 11:45 pm
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    Great post and so true! Wow on some of the comments though. Life is too short to be such a hard ass with your kids. Try to find a healthy balance of love, discipline and mutual respect. Let it go and enjoy the time you have with them because it goes so fast and then they’re gone.

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  • December 3, 2014 at 1:06 am
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    I enjoyed your article, and honestly I’ve said and done every single thing you wrote. I find it funny that there’s so many people who think it’s ok to criticize your parenting. Your kids are just that, your kids. Nobody has a right to say you’re doing it wrong. It’s none of their business if you would rather not see your child go hungry so you let them eat pop tarts for dinner or if you turn on the t.v.for some quiet. Your not lazy, stupid, or a bad parent. You’re the best parent you can be and you’ll keep getting better. If you’re not abusing your child in any way, which I’m quite certain you’re not, then no matter what you do..You’re doing it right. Your children, your house, your choice. Obviously all the nay sayers weren’t raised to believe that what goes on in another person’s life, especially a strangers, isn’t their business. It’s sad and pathetic that those people think themselves so righteous that they have to criticize you. Your not perfect, I’m not perfect, and they aren’t perfect. The only important thing is that you teach your children love, tolerance, kindness, forgiveness, and respect. Any child that is taught these basic principles in life, was raised by an excellent parent.

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  • December 3, 2014 at 10:40 am
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    My friend “liked” your article on FB which is where I saw it. Lol I loved it but then started reading the comments. Which made me LOL even more.

    It is difficult for someone who is grammatically ocd to understand that there are others who are not. I’m a wanna be writer of children’s books and, every singe time I proof read my manuscripts, I find typos. Every. Single. Time. At this rate I will never publish anything. Not lazy, just “sometimes” oblivious to the periods, commas, and breaths vs breathes. What I want to say to you Kzoodad is that when you write from the heart, or within a moment of time during which thoughts and words pour out, especially with humor, that your emotion is what is important. This is what I read. And, it made me laugh out loud 🙂

    I have raised 4 children into successful adults and still am raising a pre-teen. I totally get what you wrote and, if anything, the grammatical errors added to the tone. I believe your kids, with a funny, loving, and proud dad like you, are way better than perfect, I bet they are awesome!!

    As far as food goes, I could tell funny, yet heart-breaking, stories about my child with anaphylactic (you stop breathing and die without immediate help) food allergies which included milk, eggs, soy, oatmeal, rice, and peanuts. He survived, I nearly didn’t (joking). Guess what could he safely eat besides a horrible formula that smelled like dirty socks? Sugar. I sprinkled sugar on his tray and he licked it off his fingers as he watched his big brother and parents eat all those good for you foods. His mouth would work to copy the motions of the rest of us chewing. This was so cute but would make me cry. He was 3-years-old before he ate real food (except for that time he ate a yellow jacket). And every food had to be introduced in the hospital to see if he would react. If I could have given him a lollipop, Mcburger, fries, organic broccoli, or anything at all I would have. Before someone mentions lollipops are sugar, they are also food coloring and artificial or natural flavorings. It annoys me that people actually critiqued negatively on what your kids eat. I do not believe you feed your kids only junk food and I do not judge you if you buy poptarts 😉 I find food pyramid lectures boring and annoying. I raised a kid on medication, horrible formula, and sugar and he is awesome!! And healthy too 🙂 Disclaimer: I do not recommend this diet for anyone, ever. Or a diet similar to this diet. Or sugar, well maybe a little sugar.

    I was raised in the sixties. There was a mentality with adults back then that children were raised to be obedient. This, for many reasons I won’t go into, wasn’t a great idea. Back then, I was picky eater. And my parents had the mentality that if I was hungry enough I would eat. But, I wouldn’t. I could hold a bite of food in my mouth for record times until I could get to a toilet and spit it out. I remember sitting at the dinner table every night for hours and feeling sad and like a bad person. Yet, still couldn’t swallow the dreaded food. I would gag when I tried. I was warned that if I threw it up, I would eat that too. This didn’t happen but I was terrified it would. I was often nauseous and was very underweight. Even after all these years, I can feel the emotion those dramas had on me. It wasn’t a battle of wills on my behalf, I literally was so adverse to certain (most) foods I felt sick and couldn’t eat them. I was never offered an alternative dinner, one that I liked. My parents were the authority, end of story. I wonder now if perhaps my body was protecting me. My son was allergic to so many foods maybe I was too. When I look back over it, I wish my parents would have stopped trying being in the perfect parent club and parented me in a way that nurtured my individuality. I vowed to NEVER force my children to eat anything but to offer, and encourage them, to try new things. Bribes help 😉 To this day, I would never force a child to eat food nor would I withhold food from a child. I have absolutely no problem being a short order cook. What is interesting is that my adult children all eat pretty much everything. Even the allergy kid. He grew out of most of the allergies 🙂

    I enjoyed your article. Keep writing!! We all have to edit but don’t let it stop your words. A blog post needs to be fairly prompt, right? So don’t sweat the small stuff and keep the posts coming. Your readers love you for what you write not how you write it.

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    • December 3, 2014 at 10:49 am
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      Holy scary on the food allergies. I think I would’ve gone STRAIGHT out my mind.

      Just had to comment on the wanna-be children’s book writing though! A fellow scribe! *highfives*

      Have you discovered SCBWI yet? How about writing conferences? There are SO many good resources out there. Writing for kids is a tough gig these days, but if you’re persistent, you can find a toe-hold.

      Good luck, and happy writing! 😀

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        • December 3, 2014 at 11:00 am
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          http://www.scbwi.org/

          😀 It’s the only international organization for children’s writers and illustrators- the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. There are LOADS of great links and resources available through their website for free, and membership (last I knew, it cost $50 a year), brings even more info and benefits, including information on local conferences for children’s writers.

          It’s a very well respected and above-board organization, and some editors even require you to be a member before they’ll consider your work.

          There’s also the Children’s Writers Market Guide, which is published every year by Writer’s Digest books- http://www.amazon.com/2015-Childrens-Writers-Illustrators-Market/dp/1599638460, which is an excellent resource.

          Finally, Harold Underdown’s site- The Purple Crayon, is a great place for beginning writers. You can learn loads from his articles. 🙂
          http://www.underdown.org/

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          • December 3, 2014 at 11:02 am
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            Thanks somthing I am looking into myself and this is a lot of great information.

          • December 3, 2014 at 11:06 am
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            No problem! 🙂
            Writing for kids will always be my first love… My first paid publication was a short story in Cricket magazine… It’s a tough way to make a living though, and after 10 years of sporadic publication, I turned to freelancing social media. It’s kind of a lousy way to make a living but hey, I’m getting paid to write, and I’m making ends meet, just about.

          • December 3, 2014 at 11:16 am
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            Harold is my editor 🙂

          • December 3, 2014 at 11:23 am
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            O.o Nice!!
            *sits down* Teach us, senpai!

            Seriously, you’ve got it goin’ on if you can get him to look at your work. I love Harold. He’s very straightforward.

            *sigh* I miss the children’s writing community… I used to hang out on Verla Kay’s message board quite a lot, and for five years I moderated critique groups at The Children’s Book Writers Cafe… but life has a way of turning the best-laid plans upside down. Since the divorce, I’ve had to take work wherever I could get it… Thus the freelancing.

        • December 3, 2014 at 11:20 am
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          There are yearly conferences for each district. You should attend one. they are very informational and fun!

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  • December 3, 2014 at 11:09 am
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    Thanks! I am a member of SCBWI 🙂 it is a great program! I actually have a full ms request with a publisher. That’s the only brag I have. She’s had it for probably too long without responding. But still hoping…

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    • December 3, 2014 at 11:13 am
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      Nice!!
      Don’t give up hope, the wheels turn s-l-o-w, especially in children’s publishing! If I recall correctly, the average response time is 6 weeks to 3 months, and it’s perfectly ok to drop an e-mail to the editor after 3 months and inquire about the status of the ms.

      I’m looking into indie publishing for my teen novels… there have been so many consolidations, the market has become pretty narrow. It’s not easy to find a home for a book these days, and I’m weighing the benefits of self-publishing vs. traditional. Still on the fence about that decision, and putting it off until I finish my degree. One huge project at a time… 😉

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      • December 3, 2014 at 11:18 am
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        I know, I finally write books and the market is saturated. Good luck!!

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  • December 3, 2014 at 1:14 pm
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    Other than 4 and 7 which i have found to be true. Breaking things and a mess are part of childhood but the rest are optional. The rest are just funny even though inaccurate in my opinion.

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  • December 4, 2014 at 12:18 am
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    My dad was a nurse, and caregiver to my mother. My brother and I could either eat what was placed in front of us, or get an IV. Either way, we were getting nutrition. We preferred the food to the needle stick and banana bag.

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  • December 4, 2014 at 8:30 am
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    Hey this was an awesome read. I have four children: 10, 9, 8, and 4. I laughed while reading this.

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  • December 5, 2014 at 12:20 am
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    Love this! I started having kids early, so I was usually the one my childless friends directed their thoughtful “gems” toward regarding how to raise children. Now that they all have kids too, I fear I’ve had more than one giggle at their expense :P. Mine are now 2, 4 and 9, and my husband has four others who are grown. We firmly believe that any day that the kids stay alive and unharmed, and we stay in touch with reality, is a good day.

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  • December 5, 2014 at 4:35 am
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    I don’t have kids and often think about how I would raise them. Most of the points you mention have not really been a big deal for me when observing other people’s parenting. The one that is a big deal is the not disciplining kids. Your point number 2! What I want to know is not the ‘before’ and ‘now’ but the WHY. You can’t ask this question to your friends or it would look like you are attacking them which I don’t want. If the answer is ‘lack of time’ then I don’t get it as many of my friends have a stay at home parent, which I believe you are too. If feels like parents today are afraid to discipline their kids or just can’t be bothered with the drama that might erupt. It feels to me that this is a short term fix as the kids then just get more bratty and just expect they will always get away with bad behaviour. Anyway, I am sure you / other parents will say ‘wait and see when you are a parent’ but I am genuinely curious.

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    • December 5, 2014 at 4:57 am
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      I can’t speak for other parents, but I can tell you that, from my POV, a parent’s job is absolutely to teach their kids not to be little a**holes. The job of every parent is to raise a child who can function effectively as a member of society. In order to do that, they have to learn to share, get along with others, control impulses, all of those things.

      With that said- It’s a work in progress. Kids are mini humans who have not yet learned ANY of those things. In fact, for the first year (at least), it would be irresponsible to NOT respond to their every need. (Notice, I said NEED. Not whim.) Infants to about a year old, however, have very few “whims”. Until they’re mobile, there is no such thing as “discipline”. Those early months are for building security. It’s the only time you literally can’t spoil your child by holding him/her too much.

      Once they get to the stage of stuffing every non-food item they can get hold of into their mouths, the real fun begins. It’s necessary to begin correcting, re-directing, and, at age-appropriate intervals, using techniques like time-out or spanking, depending on your child and your parenting philosophy.

      And soon, you begin to realize that this miniature tornado you have brought into the world has more energy than you do. WAY more energy. Seriously. A toddler could give a Jack Russel terrier hyped up on triple espresso a run for its money. And they’re RELENTLESS. You can re-direct, or take away an inappropriate object, and they might realize that The Tall One MEANS IT about not touching the remote, but what about the collection of classic books? Or that fragile glass knick-knack that belonged to Great Grandmama? Surely THAT is a toy!

      Yes, you can child-proof your house. Unless you’re willing to pad and padlock everything your toddler could possibly get into (padlocks on the ‘fridge are liable to create a whole other problem down the road, but that’s another rant…), they WILL find mischief to get into, 100,0000 times a day. At least. And you’ll be CONSTANTLY redirecting, removing, and disciplining. Because that’s what good parents do.

      And, after a while, you’ll start to worry that your child is going to develop some kind of complex, a Pavlovian response of guilt and fear every time they hear “No.” And, you start to notice that your child has this innate curiosity, a natural drive to explore everything. And you’ll realize that it’s normal and natural and they’re doing what they’re supposed to do. And, maybe it’s not *such* a big deal if they handle the remote, and Grandmama’s antique vase is nice and all, but maybe it’d look better up on top of the china cabinet. Or, better yet, in a box in the attic, until The Mini is grown and in a place of his/her own.

      Bottom line is… parents learn and grow right along with their kids. And yes, some don’t discipline enough. Some let their kids run too wild. But every parent has their own way of doing things, and what looks like a lack of discipline to you might just be that parent’s style.

      Good on you for recognizing that asking a parent why they “don’t discipline their kids” is walking on thin ice. I didn’t, and plunged right in with my sis-in-law as a young, childless bride. My kiddos are 17 and 14, and I’m fully convinced that the multiple issues we’ve dealt with over the years are Karma giving my rear a thorough kicking. :-/

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    • December 5, 2014 at 5:01 am
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      To answer and sorry this is going to be little long winded. First of all they are exaggerations. Attempts at humor, some of these are more common then other but my kids are actually pretty well behaved. As for why, none of these are about being afraid, lazy or giving up. They are about the moment weakness all parents (if they admit it or not) have. I have dealt with every one of these points thousands of times. Sitting at the table trying to get my girls to eat for hours every night, or putting them in time out for the 10th time and it is only 7am. You have to make some of these compromises to keep your sanity. Many times it never gets to the extremes I talk about here, but when the time out works and the kids are well behaved it isn’t very funny and I doubt any one would read a post about how my kids ate well, went right to bed, and respect every one. Taking care of these two is both the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done. They are little people with their own goals and motivations. Kids are not pets you can’t rule them with an iron fist and expect them not to rebel. In the end the goal of this post was to make people laugh. Especially parents who have made their own compromises to their pre kid beliefs. Please feel free to respond or email me if you have any other questions.

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      • December 5, 2014 at 6:24 am
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        Thanks for your response and yes I do get there was an injection of humour/exageration but it was also a chance to ask that burning question that I’d never ask a friend who is stressed out parent. Thanks also to ‘Life with teens and other wild things’ as I thought your answer was excellent. I’m sure the endless chasing and correcting, redirecting can be exhausting and sometimes you just want to not have to say ‘no’ for the thousandth time that day. Anyway, remains to be seen what kind of parent Ill be. Certainly some kids personalities probably test parents more than others. What I do know is, unlike my parents, I won’t let the ‘easier’ kid do the chores just because they are ‘easier’ and the ‘harder’ kid blatantly get away with murder! I will also try, as you say, to teach them not to be little a**holes! This prompts the memory of a recent visit to a friend who’s 3 year old bit both me and my husband and wasn’t disciplined at all!! I didn’t criticise her ‘style’ because I think his behaviour (her fault or not) is probably embarassing and frustrating enough. Happy parenting to all. Hope we get that opportunity with all the good and the bad 🙂

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      • December 6, 2014 at 1:25 pm
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        Funny article! I rarely post comments on blogs, but I wanted you to know that at least one other parent got the joke.

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  • December 5, 2014 at 9:05 am
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    Very true and very funny! I’ve done everyone of those things — and I was soooooooooooo insufferably smug about child rearing techniques when I was a single yuppie. Guess what my kid’s first solid food was? Gelato.

    Thank you for the chuckle!

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  • December 5, 2014 at 1:40 pm
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    Here are some tips to accomplish some of these things, hopefully they will be useful to someone:

    1) Keep your kids from watching too much TV. The solution is simple. Don’t have a TV. We don’t have one and our daughter doesn’t watch too much TV.

    2) Get your kids to eat what you cook. This one is trickier. It really helps to have a stay-at-home parent (very aware this is a huge luxury). We have had a lot of success by cooking *everything* since day 1. Our two-year-old’s first foods were homemade purees of simple adult foods. To this day she eats only what we eat, with the exception of things that are too hard to chew. Food is food in our house – not “grown up food” versus “kid food”. She had no restaurant food, no wheat, refined sugar, juice, processed or packaged foods until about 18 months. Once we felt like real food was established as the “food” baseline and we had a good eater, we started to open up the options. Now if she has a choice she will take the nuggets or the cupcakes, but she likes a variety of fruits, vegetables, grains, and meats as well. Most of the time she does not have a choice and eats a good balanced meal. Although, she’s still young.

    Good luck to all of you parents! Stick to your guns, it can be hard. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we have similar results with our next one who is coming in a few months!

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  • December 5, 2014 at 8:22 pm
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    It’s only BULL$H!T if you allow it to be. My kids ate what I made, not chicken nuggets and pop tarts. Actual real food. Because THAT’S what was for dinner. There’s no reason to lie to kids (other than Santa, the Toothfairy, the Easter Bunny, etc.), NO! We’re not stopping at McDonald’s because that’s not what we are having today. Allow children to destroy things shows disrespect for people and their property, teach respect. If a child cannot respect their parents, they will respect no one. Children will be entitled when they’re not told “NO!!” You are their parent, not their friend. Be the grown-up in the family. You’re not doing your child any favors by doing everything for them. They’ll be in your house until they’re 39. Good luck, you created it.

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  • December 7, 2014 at 1:10 am
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    These are all fantastic – I have said and experience them all in one way or another. I see a lot of negative feedback – which is to be expected when you put your thoughts out on the internet (bravo to you for taking it all in stride)

    I don’t see anyone here saying it so I will ~~ I admire with all sincerity anyone who stays home with the kids ~~ but there is something special when a Dad does it. You are a father who is present in his children’s lives and THAT is what really matters.

    When our children were babies – my husband worked nights while I worked days so he was with them all day then later on when they were older – my husband stayed home full time for a few months while I had to put in extra hours at work to cover a coworkers leave and it was an amazing time having him take care of all the home stuff while I went to work. I truly believe the kids benefit a LOT from having both parents so present in their lives ~ regardless of what your parenting tactics are.

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  • December 7, 2014 at 8:55 pm
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    Thanks for a great laugh, I checked off every one in the last 22 years. Now the youngest is nearly 13, I’m moving into a whole new set of “things I said I’d never do”!

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  • December 8, 2014 at 10:58 am
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    Great post! I got it, made me chuckle. Exaggerating for effect of course, but you captured the “wait a minute, didn’t I say I wasn’t going to do that” moment(s) we all have to varying degrees.

    To all the holier than thou perfect parents in the comments, get over yourselves.

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  • December 9, 2014 at 4:23 am
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    Sorry none is these things are true and I have 4 kids. (Except the lying part, 100% fact!) Just sound like this guy checked out. Parenting is hard, it’s suppose to be. Stop taking the easy way out. You make a heathy meal, and they don’t eat? They go hungry til the next meal. Don’t let your kids rule you. You’re the parent, disipline is key. And giving up is the first step in denying your responsibilities as a parent.

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    • December 9, 2014 at 4:31 am
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      K, Please answer me a question. At what point when reading this, did you feel I was giving advice or serious? This post was about a moment of frustration, not a how to to raise your kids. If you didn’t find it funny I understand. I am not a very good writer. But I don’t see why so many people are taking this so seriously. Thanks for your feedback.

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      • December 17, 2014 at 8:47 pm
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        This is hysterical. I love the fact that so few have a sense of humor about this. Parenting isn’t perfect. I have 2 kids in their 20’s and they are alive. Kidding but they are functioning members of society and guess what there were days they ate PB&J sandwiches or cereal for dinner. Oh the horror. And I understand that many hours in front of the tv to get some quiet time. The only problem is that I can’t see that big purple dinosaur without twitching. Great article!!

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  • December 9, 2014 at 8:27 am
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    I used to think my dad’s biggest mistake was reaching for the g-d leather belt every time I did something “wrong” (which upon reinfection, was anything that hurt his pride, bruised his ego or embarrassed him).

    No more. A quick trip to Wal-Mart to see ruffians running the aisles, teen age purse snatchers and kids racing each other on the handicapped carts, and I see what he was attempting to avoid.

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  • December 10, 2014 at 4:03 am
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    Thanks for this post, you’ve just helped me confirm that I never want kids. Sounds like a freaking miserable hell of a nightmare.

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    • December 11, 2014 at 2:14 am
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      Beets, you are sooooooo wrong! There are certainly moments of frustration, which is where this article comes from, but there are sooooo many more moments that make you forget the frustration! Spending the day snuggling on the couch with a sick kid because you are the only thing in the world that makes them feel better is a feeling beyond description! The out of the blue “I love you”s from your 2 year old because they are really getting what that means now! The pure joy of your son when he looks at you, grinning ear to ear because he just make his first touch down in flag football. The awe on their face when you take them to see Santa. The innocence is amazing! If you don’t want children, that is absolutely your choice, but there is so much you will be missing! And don’t judge because you don’t have patience for other peoples children. Sometimes, I feel like the only children I can tolerate are my own! LOL (I’m kidding)(maybe)

      Reply
  • December 12, 2014 at 8:13 pm
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    LOL the title makes it sound like he’s saying that his kids are total bullshit 🙂

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  • December 15, 2014 at 8:32 am
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    So your kids have no discipline and they don’t respect your authority…congratulations!

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    • December 15, 2014 at 8:36 am
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      So you have no sense of humor and didnt understand the joke…. Congratulations.

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  • December 15, 2014 at 6:32 pm
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    I am a copywriter and editor by trade, and let me tell you… This article was so spot on and amusing that I didn’t notice any mistakes. Great job and thank you for sharing!

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  • December 15, 2014 at 11:22 pm
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    I laughed out loud at all of these! Honestly I’m normally a grammar nazi but didn’t even notice some of it because I was genuinely loving your post. Kudos to you for just writing, regardless of imperfections and wanting to be perfect. If you were that way, we would’ve never had the pleasure of your humor!!

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  • December 17, 2014 at 9:47 am
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    From a mother of 5, 4 of them in their twenties, and an 8 year old, I couldn’t pass this one without a comment. Yes, the article is cute, but we learn from our mistakes and one of the biggest influences on how we parent is based on either, being like our parents, or being nothing like our parents. I have been lucky enough to learn from my own experience starting over with a baby when I had four that were all in high school.
    Let me cover each one:
    Number 7: we agree
    Number 6: we agree
    Number 5: I don’t let my son eat fast food unless it’s for a special reason, like when he busted his head open at school. I tell him exactly why, because it’s not real food. I am not a health fanatic but have learned what is in those foods. Especially the oils and fountain sodas. He has had maybe 4 sodas his entire life. First one wasn’t until he was 6. There are not many things worse (food wise) than seeing a toddler with soda in their sippy cup.
    Number 4: my children have never destroyed my things. Teaching them self control, discipline, and respect of property starts when they are toddlers. I never moved anything from my tables, shelves, or cabinets. Doing that only teaches them that they can’t reach it yet. I taught them not to touch it from the beginning. Never had a problem.
    Number 3: TV must be limited and iPads are not a necessity. Teaching your child to sit still and be patient is. I’m so tired of seeing kids walking with their head down playing a game and not watching where they are going. And do not subject me and other people who are trying to enjoy a nice dinner out, to the sounds of your child’s movie or games just because you can’t teach them to have the patience that we all had to learn before these things were invented. I occasionally let my son play if we are waiting for an extended period of time, like waiting with me at one of my doctors appointments. You said it is a necessity on long trips. That part I will agree with. My son does watch movies and play when we travel. Restricting games is a must, as I learned from my first four. I would wake up at 1 or 2 am on a school night and find my 15 year old playing games. My 8 year old will not have games in his room and even having it in the living tool, I will take the power cord during the week. He is not allowed to play video games at all on school nights and is limited to one hour at a time on weekends. They do get addicting. Put a stop to it before it starts.
    Number 1: teaching your child to pick up behind themselves is a necessity. You are raising a future adult. They must learn how to be a responsible adult. Yes, this is the hardest one and I slack in it as well but the most important part is when he is in public. If I saw my child drop even the smallest piece of trash on the ground, I tell them to pick it up and put it in its proper place. When eating in a restaurant, they do not get to make a mess just because you don’t have to clean it. It’s unbelievable the messes I see on (and around the floor), of tables from parents letting their toddlers just throw food on the floor and smash it all over the table. If you let them do that at home, I would hate to see your house.

    This is the problem in today’s society. People want to say it’s okay for their kids to act like fools because they are kids. If you don’t teach them that it is wrong, then they will be inconsiderate, unappreciative, filthy adults.

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    • December 17, 2014 at 10:26 am
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      Lorie,

      As a father of two ages 2 and 5 I couldn’t let this go with out response.

      7,6 – we agree.
      5, while you argue frequency (yes I exaggerated in my post), you still gave in so we agree.
      4, logically, if you had to take the time and effort to teach your kids not to break things they must had broken something to necessitate the teaching. so we agree.
      3, While it was a long response you did agree with me. So I will leave this one alone.
      2,you omitted number two so I will assume you are in agreement that kids don’t listen and it takes constant work to get though to them
      1, Again you spent the time to teach which leads me to believe they made a mess you had to tell them to clean up.

      The problem is you felt the need write an answer this long to what was essentially a self depreciating joke, That you agreed with.

      Thanks for reading and please, learn to laugh.

      Reply
  • December 17, 2014 at 2:52 pm
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    thank you for writing this! couldn’t agree more! Of course I know that the best way to raise kids right is to praise the good things they’ve done – but it’s never that easy.

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  • December 18, 2014 at 2:11 am
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    Having kids made me a believer in nature over nurture. Before I had them, I was a blank slate theorist. I thought God sends you perfect little unformed beings you fill up with good parenting and love, to create good people.

    I have long since accepted that they’re more like plants. (Which move, and graze, and break stuff, and leave a trail of trash in their wake.) .But you give them light, and warmth, and food and water, and wait to see what blossoms. Sometimes, you get beautiful blooms, but there’s usually a fine bit of weeding required and they tend to grow a few thorns along the way.

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  • December 18, 2014 at 9:05 am
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    looks someone gave up their parenting priority. this article is just one big justification for laziness. I feel bad for this man’s children.

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    • December 19, 2014 at 1:19 pm
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      I was thinking the same thing, but I don’t have kids so I have no idea.

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  • December 21, 2014 at 2:06 pm
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    I haven’t laughed this hard in so very long. Thank you for throwing humor into the world’s most stressful career…parenting. Your writing highlights what is most important in rearing mini-people, speaking another language, and that would be laughing the stress away. My best friend, of 26 years, shared this with me and it led to an absolutely heart warming trip down memory lane as we reminisced about our children when they were the keepers of our sanity. Thank you.

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  • December 23, 2014 at 1:00 pm
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    Seriously, another article using the veiled “People without children don’t know” excuse for failed parenting goals? And that’s just what it is – the author plainly stated he had goals for parenting and failed to meet them – that’s the crux of the article.

    The fact is that there are parents all over the country who can and do accomplish every one of those things listed. I grew up in such a home, so while I will NEVER claim to do any better than the author, or that I am all knowing of parenting, I do find it amusing that some people feel the idea that this sort of lack of control is an inevitability that childless people would never know about.

    And while I’m quite sure that my children might end up exactly the way the author and others are, I’m just going to own up to the fact that I simply didn’t do as good a job as my parents.

    The problem for some people, including the author and many of those commenting, is that 1) they either never grew up in a home where those things were accomplished through parenting, or 2) grew up in that atmosphere but looked back and thought “I’ll be different from my parents, I’ll be ‘Better’, I’ll talk to/reason with my child”, and expect the same or better/different results.

    Usually those who fall in #2, felt that their parents were controlling – not realizing that that’s exactly what it takes to accomplish each of those 7 things listed. And those who fall in to #1 don’t realize that it has to start early and be maintained – it’s not just “Parenting when it gets out of hand” – it has never worked that way.

    If you want to know what category you are in, go back and read through those 7 things again, but not from the standpoint of your child, from the standpoint of your childhood. If you can imagine getting away with any of those things, you fall into category 1, if you can’t imagine getting away with any of those things, you fall into category 2.

    And then there are two completely separate categories 1) Those who grew up with parents who maintained control, and used that as a template for their own parenting 2) those who didn’t and managed to figure it out on their own. To those groups of parents, I say “GOOD JOB!”

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    • December 23, 2014 at 2:06 pm
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      You forgot the 3rd category- those who grew up in controlling homes who landed in therapy because there ARE better ways to parent than their parents did.

      And then there are the parents (Or, as I strongly suspect in this case, non-parents), who missed an entire semester of Critical Reading- the one during which they taught about humor and satire.

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      • December 24, 2014 at 11:25 am
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        There is being in control, and being controlling – two completely different things.
        To believe that it is “controlling” to keep your child from switching on a TV when you don’t want them to, or picking up after themselves… that’s just a cop-out for giving in to a child.

        The article used satire, but it’s message was far from being satirical. Maybe you should go back and read it again.

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        • December 24, 2014 at 11:28 am
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          Kyle trust me on this one. The intent and message was one of humor. It was not meant to be taken serious in any way. Any thing remotly serious is somthing your reading into it.

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        • December 24, 2014 at 11:33 am
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          I’m raising teenagers. Trust me, I know the difference. I do set rules, and I’m sure this blogger does, as well. The point of the blog is not to just let your kids run the show or to not have rules and healthy boundaries in your home. At all. You’re taking something he wrote as satire and reading WAY too much into it. Maybe his kids are screeching, out of control brats. How should I know? I don’t know him. but, since he’s being deliberate about his parenting, and THINKING about things like this, I’m willing to guess that he’s invested in his kids. He’s spending time with them, which probably means he doesn’t want to deal with screeching brats any more than anyone else does. So, it follows logically that he probably DOES have rules and boundaries.

          Parenting requires both flexibility and a sense of humor. You might be able to “be in control” when your kids are shorties, but that only works for so long. At some point they need the chance to become independent young adults, and some of that control has to be released- within reason, of course. This is still my house, and Babygirl (18) and Thing1 (14) know “my house, my rules”. But- they know they’re able to negotiate and that I will listen to them and respect their feelings, even if they don’t get what they want. That is my parenting technique. I’m sure Kzoo Dad’s is different. Yours might be different, too. Bottom line is, we’re all parents, and we’re all in this together, so IMHO, the best thing we can do is not try to judge total stranger’s parenting philosophies based on a short blog entry and try to reach out to one another in support and confidence that we’re all doing the very best we can.

          Good luck to you.

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  • December 23, 2014 at 10:10 pm
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    People need to stop people so critical. Every child is different, every parent is different. One thing for sure is the everyone has these ideas of what they will and will not do and I’m positive that those people that are criticizing have a few that they gave up on themselves.

    Just because they have a tantrum doesn’t mean they lack disipline, kids are curious so things break, they go through phases so they can be picky eaters.

    Everyone is doing the best they can, people should just be more supportive.

    Unfortunately the people this pertains to won’t read this and if they do it won’t change a thing.

    On that note, that’s a wasted five minutes on this comment. Oh-well.

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  • December 28, 2014 at 9:23 pm
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    Reading the post and the comments I realized that there are lots of uptight kids out there who have parents who need to take a big fat chill pill and enjoy life!
    I was an overly serious child and sometime in my late teens/early 20’s I finally understood the purpose of satire… and now I actually get to enjoy life instead of constantly having my panties in a twist.
    I don’t agree with everything that was said, but I can still enjoy the humor in it.

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  • December 30, 2014 at 1:16 am
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    I loved this post! Spot on. And I loved reading all the judgemental parents making comments…their children must be boring drips with no sense of humor, adventure, or passion.

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  • December 30, 2014 at 7:04 pm
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    That was awesome. Loved it. I only promised myself a couple of things for during the toddler years, and the rest for when they got older and could pay more attention, but it is so dead on. Perfect!

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  • January 5, 2015 at 12:53 pm
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    The food thing gets better. The young years are the worst (3-5) but you’ll know when it’s time to try again. My kids (11 and 14), who ate nothing but mac n cheese when they were 3 now eat sushi, horseradish, spinach, and even octopus salads. There’s nothing they won’t try, even if I refuse.

    The cleaning thing is sooo hard. It’s so much easier to just do it myself. If that part gets easier, then I haven’t hit the easy part yet. Just this morning I found my nice sweater in the wash with red socks and several pairs of blue jeans (Captain Awesome, age 14, has been doing laundry for years now and knows better- he just prefers to rush instead of doing something right). It was even harder teaching chores when he was young. When he was about 3 or 4, I bought several chests of Sterilite drawers (your budget may allow for something prettier) and made stickers for each drawer. One sticker had a picture of a car, another of Buzz Lightyear, and another of balls- so on and so forth. I spent half and hour each evening coaching him through a job that would have taken me 2 minutes. Oi vey. The only thing that kept me going was the idea that I would not steal the sense of accomplishment from my children that can only be achieved by doing something themselves. Today, though his laundry skills are lacking, my son has a thriving lawn business in our neighborhood. Talk about time spent well!

    All that to say, “Hang in there!” it does get better. I have a blog entry on the struggle between “get it done” and “take the time” if you are interested. I’ll link it here but feel free to delete the comment if you think it spammy.

    http://www.zonoma.net/2008/02/01/macaroni-power/

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  • January 7, 2015 at 10:06 am
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    While I admire the conviction of some of you parents who have not fallen into the parenting habits detailed in the article, I don’t agree with the traditional wisdom and even current scientific research on the validity of said rules.
    7. My children will eat what I cook. Both of my kids started out with reflux and blood in their stool from milk allergies. One refused to eat solid food and the other refused to wean. With both I was just happy to get any solid food in them. So here I am with an 18 month old child who won’t eat solid food. And I’m supposed to get her to eat curry? Chili? Sushi? Yah. Sure. This has gotten better. But now my older child does not want to eat what I cook because it’s not healthy enough. Well you are going to eat that hot dog, darnet! Screw you and your “I only eat chicken and fish” diet. We are having meatloaf and fish sticks (she wants real fish) and chicken nuggets and hamburgers and tacos because I’m too busy carting you around to feed you healthy foods. (see number 5).
    6. I don’t agree with lying to your older kids. Telling a 3 year old McDonalds is closed is smart. You get out of having to tell them no. Later on they start questioning the validity of your statement. Yes they learn that you lied. They also learn to question authority and to learn to actually think about how the world around them operates. I say lie to your kids until they are old enough to start figuring it out then quit before you become an established lier.
    5. My children won’t eat fast food. The reason we eat fast food is because our children are so active. Well one anyway. I’m proud of my over achiever who does literally too many things. Yes it would be nice to be home more but you only get one chance in life at some things. She’s driving herself. We’re laid back. Sometimes enabling her to do the things she loves involves fast food or tv dinners. Sigh.
    4. My children won’t destroy things. Well they don’t do this with our approval and support anyway. Teaching your child to respect the property of others and to take care of their own things is important. However, it goes hand in hand with materialism. Teaching your children that things are important, very important, and should always be handled with care can backfire. You can’t teach them that things are important and that things are not important. Regardless of what you teach them, they seem to end up wherever their genes dictate anyway. Two kids, one family, one parenting method and two different results.
    3. My children will play outside. TV will be limited. It is limited. To when they are awake. My parents limited television. So we went outside. We walked to the neighbor’s house. We watched tv there. Of course our children can’t do this since there are no other children outside. One child is too busy for tv and only likes a couple of shows anyway. The other ones loves tv. But now she loves making her own very boring youtube videos of herself playing video games better. Her idol is Preston of Youtube Minecraft video fame. He is making a living at this now. On the plus side she did figure out how to create a Youtube chanel , make videos and upload them by herself. She’s 10. Two kids, one family, one parenting method and two different results.
    2. Then – My children will respect and listen to me. Well at least they do this outside of the house with other adults. Still working on this with one child. Again, two kids, one family, one parenting method and two different results. While I agree with this in principle, if your child is less than genetically perfect, there are many things that can get in the way. My theory is that if your child has a genetic tendency towards obstinance and defiance, the last thing you need to be role modeling is obstinance and defiance. Sometimes the strictest parents end up with the worst children. This is the same principle as not physically beating a physically violet child. If we had stopped after our first child, we could brag all day long about how we were the best parents in the world. If all your children respect and listen to you, maybe you should be teaching them gratitude. Because you just won the genetic lottery.
    1. My children will keep my house clean. My elderly neighbor across the street has told me several times that she wishes she had not focused so much on having a perfectly clean house when her children were little. What she hasn’t said, but is obvious, is that while her kids did not grow up to be serial murderers or anything like that, they are pretty mediocre as adults. I’m guessing they are both very clean and tidy though. Hey whatever’s important to you. My children know that they are more important to me than a clean house. And again, one ended up very clean anyway. I’m glad I did not stop at one though. Vive la difference.

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  • January 8, 2015 at 11:00 am
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    U hit the nail on the head with all 7! Lol I said every single one of those and reality is different when u actually have to implement them 24/7/365 lol

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  • January 8, 2015 at 10:03 pm
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    Great work kzoodad! Coming from a parent of three…. The quote should be “kids are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get”. Sometimes we just all need some comic relief! As far as the grammar thing goes…. If I were you, I would continue blogging exactly the same way you have in this article. You could be the next “cutting edge blogger”, fearless in the face of grammar experts nationwide! Ha

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  • January 9, 2015 at 5:30 pm
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    I’m not sure if you should be flattered that your article is getting so much attention, or sad that some of these people exist in the world. Really? Name calling, grammar correction, ridicule…be nice folks. There are a million and ten things more deserving of your shi**y comments and “better than thou” opinions than this article. Appreciate and enjoy the lighter things in life. Why waste your time hate mongering an innocent person for trying to provide fun entertainment. What’s the point of being so negative?

    I really enjoyed your article Bryan. I am a mother to a two year old and my husband is a stay at home dad. When I shared this with him, he had to think for a minute about whether or not it was something he wrote. Really on point!

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  • January 16, 2015 at 2:03 pm
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    Having 2 in college and 1 in High School- I could relate to this completely. With my kids (nearly)grown, I’d have to say they are pretty good people and fun to be around. They’ve made me proud and haven’t really given me any problems in the “teenage” years. I never spanked but I did have to pull my middle child’s hair when he went through his biting phase! Bottom line, They’ve turned out great. Some people need to chill out…

    This was a great read.

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  • January 17, 2015 at 1:21 pm
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    Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a different generation, but if I didn’t want to eat what my parents provided me, I did not eat. I went to bed hungry. I don’t think all your “before-thoughts” are necessarily unattainable–they’re just really difficult to implement.

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  • January 19, 2015 at 5:02 pm
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    What a great and funny article! My husband too is a stay at home father, I think it is soo much harder than mothers staying at home. Men just do not have the maternal instinct that women have, nor the patience that we inherently have. Any father that looks after their children, especially when there is more than 1, deserves a medal. To have the energy to sit down and entertain other people is beyond amazing. Thank you for giving me a bit more of an insight into life as a stay at home Dad. Grammar and spelling be buggered! You managed to string sentences together! Other parents that want to offer advice or criticise your methods, well congratulations on being the best parents EVER! It sounds like kzoodad’s kids are happy, healthy, safe and loved.

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    • January 19, 2015 at 5:15 pm
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      Thank you for you kind words. But please understand being male or female dosn’t make it any easier or harder to raise kids. Women are not born to be parents, the same as men arent born to be CEO’s. It is up to the individual. Again thanks for the kind words and keep an open mind.

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      • January 19, 2015 at 10:54 pm
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        Hey Bryan,

        Love the article. The wife and I are both work from home professionals, in order to be there for the kids, so we share the at home duties. Your article was funny, and truly struck a chord with me. I have said just about all the things that you did. I remember when our first was 1 1/2, I felt horrible that she was destroying a pack of bugles corn chips after we ran out of fruit & veggies to give her.

        Now, I’m a lot more realistic. Yes, she knows most of the chip varieties by brand name, but she also burns it off very quickly, and she still eats the fruits and veggies. Yes, she is a tiny tornado of turbulent toy-to-traffic tribulation, but she will at least help clean it up. Yes, she rips through crowds of friends at any gathering at breakneck speed, so much so that I swear she will knock one of the older ones over, but she knows and loves them all…and she is highly social even with those same older ones. And she will slow down…for about 2-3 minutes at a time.

        Nobody says parents have to be perfect. God knows, because none of us are. Somebody above called our sort of parenting lazy. I accept that; it’s their opinion, and they can’t possibly know the whole truth of another persons circumstances, so they are not qualified to criticize, really. Equally fortunate for me, since I live in my own world, I can do exactly what I want; because I’m in charge here. =)

        All the best man, keep writing. I’ll follow when I can,
        -Daniel

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      • January 20, 2015 at 1:20 am
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        I meant no disrespect – I think it is amazing that more men are taking on the more traditional stay at home role.

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  • January 20, 2015 at 9:00 pm
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    Love it. I don’t have my own kids, but have been a step mother for almost 6 years. The food issues get better, then worse, and so on. Changing taste buds are my nemesis right now. Last week he loved turkey, this week it’s too dry. *sigh. My list includes thinking I would never have silly arguments, and then finding myself having some of the most immature arguments out there. It never ends! My mother laughs so much when I call and tell her the latest drama. Life is all about picking and choosing your battles, and having a sense of humour when you are exhausted and there is nothing left. Kids are awesome, no matter how frustrating they are! A great post…and love your respect and humour to some of the responses.

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  • January 20, 2015 at 9:08 pm
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    This article made me laugh….soooo true! I have two boys, 19 and 7. I totally went through the same thing with my first child. I thought with the birth of my second child things may change a bit, but no not really. Both of my kids are loving kids and for the most part are responsible. They ate most things that I made for them, but I never made them eat things they really didn’t like. Right now my youngest will not eat carrots, but he eats lots of other fruits and veggies. So I figure he’ll eat them sooner or later. And if he decides that he never will eat them, we’ll I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

    Thanks for the laugh!

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  • January 21, 2015 at 2:15 pm
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    Before I shit all over this article, I assume the following: The article is geared towards the stay at home parent.
    . This entire article is a problem for me. Parents should follow the 7 rules up there. Parenting is a VERY important job and caving to the smallest, least experienced person in your house is just lazy.

    1:Of course your children wont always eat everything you give them, but how will they learn new foods if you don’t try? (I always have fresh cut up veggies for the days my 3 yo daughter thinks my cooking is terrible). Also, cooking with your children actually gets them excited about the eating process. Cooking with my 3 year old, really just means she washes the veggies (poorly, I have to rewash) or pours liquid into things. Nonetheless, she is much more likely to try the food I make if she has helped. she feels proud. Regarding fast food, yes, it happens, and yes, its not good for them. If you use it in an emergency (and watching extra TV is not an emergency). Teaching about food, and health is paramount to your child’s future health.

    2:There are always lies you tell your children, but you don’t have to lie to them about very much. Santa? sure.. But why not have a discussion about why you cant stop at McDonald? Helping a child understand the situation is TEACHING them how to accept it, be patient about it, or to hear “no” and NOT melt down. Yes, it takes more time, and sometimes there are more tears, but you are paying your future self. And you are helping your child become comfortable with negative answers (Which are a part of life). You are doing no favors to your child by lying about things you can easily explain.

    3:Of course kids will break your things. That is why you put them away. Anything I want to keep for myself I put up until I feel that its safe again. This is no longer my house, its theirs, because they dont have the mental capacity to carefully care for breakables. Locks on cabinets, breakables up high, and my children have not broken much.

    4: Teach your child to clean, from age 2 and they WILL help clean. Tell them encouraging words, and they will want to. Is my house still messy after play? YES. But we clean it up together (70/30). My 3 yo is so proud to be able to scrape her food into the green bin (most of it actually gets in there too!), then put her dishes in the dishwasher before reminding me that I need to do the same. She helps put her books away by stacking them into piles for me. She helps sort the laundry and she helps sweep the dirt around my house (I would like to have written she helps me sweep, but her skills aren’t there yet). She even likes to do the dishes, which “helps” me by allowing me to mop the floors with all the water that’s getting everywhere.

    Children are what you make them, and how much energy you put in during the first 5 years just pays you back in later years. I tried this same technique on my son, and (even though is room is a sty always), he does the garbages, dishwasher, toilets, his own laundry, and on occasion still cleans his room (With only minimal warnings). It sure does help with the workload, and they both feel like they are contributing members of the house.

    4: Respect is a two way street. You respect them, they respect you. Legit. If my daughter is upset at something, I mimic her words. When I ask her to do something, I follow with “yes mom”, so she can echo it and we both know she has heard. She listens, and so do I. We both listen to each other, but you can be damned sure she knows who is boss. She doesn’t tantrum, although she definitely tells me she is angry, and crosses her arms as she is doing the thing she doesn’t want to do. Patience, and positive wording are the secret to this success.

    In conclusion, these things that are “total bull” to achieve are actually super achievable, and super important.

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    • January 21, 2015 at 2:27 pm
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      Thanks for reading and congrats on your very accomplished offspring. I did want to correct you on one thing. This article isn’t aimed at stay at home parents. It is aimed at all parents with a sense of humor. Feel free to join that group at any time. We’re loads of fun.

      Reply
  • January 23, 2015 at 5:59 pm
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    There’s really no excuse for lying to your children. So, you have to deal with the disappointment of telling them no for the real reason. These conversations only last a couple minutes, if you’re in control of the conversation. Answer them truthfully and leave it at that. If they don’t like it, they can be disappointed, but that’s all the time you are prepared to spend discussing it. They’ll respect and listen to you more if you stop lying to them. It’s not as hard as it sounds. Being truthful minimizes entitlement, and ensures that the rules of the household are clear, consistent and dependable. They won’t need to ask so often if the responses are almost always the same.

    “No, you can’t have McDonalds because it’s not healthy and we only have it once in awhile, when it is in the budget.” “No, you can’t play on my iPhone, because it is special to me and I worry that you will lose or break it.” “No, you can’t have my iPhone because I am using it or plan to use it.”

    Deal with it, kid.

    Reply
    • January 23, 2015 at 6:20 pm
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      I’ve been ignoring the comments on this one for the most part, but I”ve got to say, this one made me LOL

      “they’ll respect you..”

      riiiiiiight.

      Not even going to begin to try to deconstruct everything wrong with the JudgyMcJudgerton, Sancti-mommy approach to parenting that comes from the sad belief that children are miniature adults who are capable of logical reasoning. Or worse, that they don’t deserve to have their feelings respected, and they should just learn to “deal with it”.

      Reply
      • January 24, 2015 at 12:59 pm
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        First of all, I think it’s sad that you think children respecting their parents is something so unbelievable as to be laughable.

        Secondly, the only sanctimonious principles put forth in our conversation is your statement that children are incapable of logical reasoning, and your implication that lying to them is justified, that they are humans not worthy of the truth and shouldn’t be afforded the same basic respects that would be afforded an adult, whenever possible. Children learn from their interactions, and a simple question like those listed by the author can teach them critical thinking, responsibility, and how to treat others.. all through modeling by the parent. Children are worthy of respect. That’s not a new age, hippie parenting theory, that’s just common sense. Parents are constantly telling their children that “You get respect where you give it”. Maybe it’s time to apply that to themselves as well. Furthermore, if older children are incapable of logical reasoning, lying to them as children, making up stories to appease them, and otherwise manipulating them might have a little something to do with that.

        Third, I find your jump from belittling children’s intellectual abilities to stating that a potential McDonalds tantrum should be validated to be ridiculous. When feelings are hurt or trauma occurs, emotions should be taken more seriously. When a child can’t have something they want, and have been provided a true and rational explanation, any resulting poor behaviour does not deserve further attention. Disappointment is a fact of life, and that’s precisely why I mentioned reducing entitlement.

        Teaching your children to respect you takes a lot of work, but it is possible more often than not. It starts with making more of an effort in simple interactions. And I am not saying that those children will then be perfect, but your relationship with them and authority over them will be much improved.

        I wish you better luck in dealing with your so-called wild children.

        Reply
        • January 24, 2015 at 1:04 pm
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          Hey, no worries here.

          I get compliments all the time on my kids’ behavior, and the respectful way they treat others. I wonder if your parents get the same types of remarks, considering your habit of commenting on the parenting skills of others based on such limited interaction on a blog post?

          I just don’t believe that little children are automons who can be strictly controlled without a few tricks. Yes “lying” is sometimes within that realm, though I don’t make a habit of it, and didn’t even when they were shorties. I simply don’t treat my kids like they’re stupid, or expect “respect” to be automatic. I recognize that it’s something that has to be earned through relationship. Simply expecting it to happen because “I do parenting right” is unrealistic. Plenty of parents “do it right” and then are shocked when their perfect angels get picked up on drug charges or turn out to be the school bully.

          Assuming that this blogger, or myself for that matter, are bad parents based on what’s intended to be a comedic post, and a sarcastic response to a judgmental comment, tells a lot more about your attitudes than anything you could say.

          Reply
          • January 24, 2015 at 1:53 pm
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            I am a mother too, and get compliments the same as you, the same as any parent does. From the most important reviewers no less, my children themselves. But that’s all beside the point.

            So, I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree. I wholeheartedly agree that children aren’t automatons (I have to assume that was the word you were going for), which is why I don’t “strictly control them with a few tricks”. Instead, I give them the tools to help them to control themselves.

            I’m glad you don’t treat your children like they are stupid, although announcing that children aren’t capable of logical reasoning is the absolute opposite of that. Is it that you just think they are stupid, but don’t treat them like that? I suppose that’s better than nothing. Or are you retracting your logical reasoning comment? Because that’s okay, you can do that. Just say so.

            Sure, there are examples of parents who potentially have done everything right (although lets be honest, that is not easily measurable by any means), and have been disappointed in the results. The opposite is true as well, in a few cases. Which is why I said in most examples “parenting right” works. That’s why we, actually you, call it “parenting right”.

            I never said the blogger was a bad parent, I just strongly disagreed with a principle that I believe to be destructive, which the author attempted to normalize in his post. He said he lies “everyday” to his children. Even you don’t think that’s a good idea based on your comment above. So, asserting my opinion that something an author wrote should not be taken as gospel, that there is another opinion on the matter, does not equate me calling anybody a bad parent, but rather stating that the principle itself is wrong. If the author didn’t want thoughts on his article, he wouldn’t have had a comment section.

            You can disagree with me, that’s fine. But don’t try to make me feel guilty for having an opinion, in a place meant for opinions. And if you didn’t want me to further comment on that opinion or on your corresponding opinion, you had the choice to not respond. My answering your so-called “sarcastic” post with a further explanation of the original opinion is completely within the realm of reasonable. I sense a little bit of entitlement here.

            I also never said you were a bad parent, although I did comment on your own description of your children as wild. If that’s not the case, you should reconsider your blogs name.

            Your wish to post whatever you like, but derision of me for doing the same, combined with your conflicting notion of respect for children, says a lot about “your attitudes” as well.

          • January 24, 2015 at 2:07 pm
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            lmao…

            We could go round all day talking about logic and subtly trading insults but I really do have other things to do, as I’m sure you do.

            Kids are not stupid. However, they are also not fully developed adults with a full sense of reasoning. Intelligence is not the same as understanding logic. Nor does it have any bearing on emotional maturity. Which is why it’s often less stressful for a parent to be a bit creative with their approaches. What you call “lying”, many parents call “saving sanity”. You don’t have to like it or think it’s good parenting but that doesn’t negate the effectiveness, nor does it mean that those children will be any less well-adjusted than children of parents who employ other techniques.

            My children are “wild things”. They’re not domesticated. I don’t own them. I don’t tame them. I am fortunate enough to spend time here on this earth in their company, and to take part in helping to guide their development and growth, a blessing for which I am grateful every. single. day. I chose my blog’s name with intention and deliberation, as an expression of our experiences together, some of which have been pretty wild. I won’t be changing it any time soon.

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  • January 24, 2015 at 3:44 am
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    I never reply to blogs but this one I had to.
    I’m a preschool teacher and have taught for 12 years now and currently own and teach in my own school. I am a mommy of an 11 month old vacuum cleaner of a child when it comes to food. She eats anything that doesn’t move , not kidding on this one. She listens when told no , she makes a mess that puts my OCD into overdrive and at her dear little age ,she does help to pick up and give me her toys when we tidy up but that’s before her lack of attention span kicks in and a toy looks totally edible and needs be given the most gumming action know to mankind. I am lucky to have a textbook perfect child and parenting ability —-for now!
    It’s going to happen when my child WILL defy every parenting rule I have in place , those heavenly yummy peas that she adores so much at dinner time will become weapons of mass destruction if they come into contact with any taste bud on her tongue and spat out like a launched missile….How do I know this? I teach and have taught toddlers and young children for a very long time to know that autonomy is an amazing thing when it comes to children and the most agonisingly painful experience of a parents life. You have an angel of a child one week and then suddenly out of nowhere they morph into this mystical unrecognisable creature , yes creature because they seem almost unhuman in behaviour…. and how do you as a parent and in my case, teacher, survive? Wine and humour !
    If I don’t see the humour in the situation of the child who was told not to touch the paint but did and tried to look inside the paint pot and is now standing in front of me looking like a smurf and a heck of a mess on the floor , I would go insane.
    At the beginning and end of the day my classroom as well as my home are clean but inbetween there is dirt, mess, chaos, bumps and tears, a sugary treat , mishaps and mischief, hygiene, care , organised chaos , love, hugs and laughter.

    In the spirit of Frozen being a massive hit- Let it go folks! Always remember parents and children are just pure and simply this : a human being. No perfection.

    Enjoy being a stay at home dad….

    Each to their own I suppose

    Reply
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  • January 25, 2015 at 6:23 pm
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    Good thing I never had too high expectations for when I had kids.

    On the flip side, I feel like my parents (the grandparents) still have these expectations for my kids, even though they clearly had kids. There must be some type of amnesia that happens once the kids are grown and out of the house!

    Reply
  • January 26, 2015 at 11:28 pm
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    Hahahaha…I laughed out loud…seriously…
    I had 50 years to prepare for being a Dad and it still knocked me off my feet, and does still every day.
    2 boys, 3 and 4 1/2 years old, and it’s freaking tough !
    No offense to everyone else on here, but I try to be a good Dad, work hard, entertain them , keep them busy…but each and everyone of your 7 points is bang on…
    The food thing is impossible ! I am a hell of a cook, can whip up anything out of nothing, and when I throw a dinner party, everyone shows up ! But the youngest guy, if its not edamame beans and chicken strips, well he’s just not interested…
    So I feel you, empathize, and completely get where your coming from…pretty funny, but true…lol

    Reply
  • January 28, 2015 at 1:27 pm
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    This is a very funny article and I totally get your obvious exaggeration of parenting.. that most don’t I totally felt this way before having kids.. and everything I thought was totally thrown out the window… I don’t spank my kids and they are good kids.. they are respectful, thoughtful, loving children.. are they perfect little robots.. NO.. they are 7 and 2… and I do so many of the same thing you do….. and they will be fine…

    I wish more people who read this would take it for what it is “funny”… because they obviously need more humor in their lives. Parenting is fun, exciting, hard, a lot of work and probably one of the hardest most rewarding experiences in the world… but you can’t be too serious about it or you will become someone most of us don’t want to be around and you will teach your children to be that way too.. Don’t forget… the fun with all the hard stuff.

    Thanks Bryan for making me laugh this morning!

    Reply
  • January 28, 2015 at 8:44 pm
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    It was indeed a funny article, I was laughing while reading. My husband and I can really relate. We have four kids between 8 and 3 years old. Parenting is fun!!!

    Reply
  • January 30, 2015 at 5:11 pm
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    Yeah, , it didn’t hurt too badly to be taken down a notch, did it? We all eat our ‘before kid’ words! Who has time to dwell on it anyway?!

    Great read!

    Reply
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  • February 16, 2015 at 1:05 pm
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    I’ve read this one before – didn’t know it was you! Glad I stumbled upon you trhough Top Mommy Blogs!

    Reply
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  • May 11, 2015 at 6:18 pm
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    Before I had my son, I had made a list (book?) Of things I would not say to my kid – that my parents had told me as I was growing up. The list included

    1. Because I said so
    2. Because I am the parent and you are the child
    3. Go clean your room. Your room, your job to clean.
    4. Make your bed
    5. Don’t ask me why!
    6. As long as you live under my roof you will abide by my rules
    7. You just earned yourself a time out.
    8. If you do not clean the floor of your room, I will come in there with a trash bag and put it all in there myself and then throw it out.

    I could go on and on.. this was my list.

    ya huh.
    I made it through 3 years of his life,.. before I tossed it in the garbage and gave up.

    Cleaning his room one day, can you guess what I found?

    A list of things I had told him that he would never tell his future child..

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  • November 10, 2015 at 6:04 pm
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    well written and an absolute joy to read as I zone out amongst my screaming kids, lol – it’s nice for parents to be able to know we all share similar struggles, and also the greatest joys of life ♡ thanks for this!

    Reply
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